Money, money ... money

I’VE DECIDED, if I ever go through a midlife crisis, I’m not going to go shave my head and go into debt and buy myself a Harley Davidson and traverse the country and collect for some or other charity.

Nope mine is going to be completely different. I think I will change careers. I’ve already made a list:

1. Audition for the X-Factor (don’t get me wrong I think I have just what it takes, but sadly I have to admit I’m too old).

2. Become a model (I’ve got the looks, but I would have to yet again go into debt and go for botox. My name isn’t Helen Zille who can go for weekly treatments).

3. Become an actress (now I know I have the talent, I can be a real drama queen, but having to remember all those lines – I would obviously be the star – when some days I can’t even remember my name. I don’t think so).

So I’ve narrowed it down to two – a preacher or a politician. Yep, with both of those, I just can’t go wrong. Besides having the talent for both professions, I will definitely not be forced to go into debt and have to avoid those wretched phone calls. “Miss Cahill, you promised to pay R100 on your Harley helmet. It’s been three months since your last payment. When can we expect the next one?” Nope that is not how our envisage not only my life, but my midlife crisis.

And, it doesn’t matter how you look – phew – because I could seriously not afford those expensive anti-wrinkle creams, as long as you can spew any “rubbish” out of your mouth, my friend you’re made.

If I decide to start my own church, it’s just money, money, money … And it will be pure profit seeing as I will not have to declare anything to the Receiver of Revenue. However, I would have to cash in real quick and build my wealth before government takes notice and accepts a proposal from the Commission for the Promotion and Protection of the Rights of Cultural, Religious and Linguistic Communities (CRL).

They want religious leaders and institutions to be registered and pay tax like any other business in South Africa and foreign nationals wishing to open churches in South Africa should undergo a strict vetting process.

So what I will do, is get a charismatic preacher that someone like TB Joshua trained up to get the people into the tent I would erect on that open piece of ground. I don’t know who it belongs to, but seeing as everyone else is doing it, I will just follow suit.

Essentially, I would run it like a business. I would be like a CEO, pay everyone a stipend to do all the work for me.

I would then definitely be able to afford that Harley with its helmet.

Then when and if CRL gets government to force me to pay taxes, I will quit that job and go into politics.

However, I don’t want to go into national government. No that’s too much hard work. I think I will just settle on being an ordinary ward councillor.

I will get a princely sum every month, an i-Pad, free data and I don’t even have to clock in. Oh, then throw in a couple of all-expenses paid overseas trips. Wow! All of this and I don’t even have to do anything. I don’t even have to talk much.

Man, oh man, I think I’m not even going to wait for my midlife crisis. I need to start building my treasures …