TAVERN OF THE SEAS david biggs US ban nearly had me suffering a stroke – or two

MY LATE friend Gordon had a T-shirt printed with the letters WNV. They stood for his favourite saying, “Who needs valves?”

For readers who are not mechanically inclined, the slogan referred to the two-stroke petrol engine, which is an incredibly efficient motor used extensively in outboard engines, lawnmowers, chainsaws and motorcycles. And scooters.

Because of its simple design it requires no valves, so it has about half the number of moving parts of the more generally used fourstroke motor.

Like me, Gordon admired simple things and felt the two-stroke was the ultimate in internal combustion engines.

I still do. Some people, however, think two-strokes produce too much pollution in the form of unburned oil and smoke.

This is not true of a well designed motor, but nevertheless, opinion is swayed by fools and some countries like America have banned the import of vehicles using two-strokes.

I am not a great admirer of America’s power of judgement, having seen its choice of leader, and I think they have made a silly mistake. As a result of America’s decision, some scooter manufacturers have stopped producing two-stroke versions. The legendary Vespa scooter is one of them.

I find this very sad. For more than 50 years the Vespa design remained almost unchanged. It was simple, reliable and economical. What’s more, it could be fixed using little more than a screwdriver and a rock.

I travelled across Italy, Germany and the Netherlands on an old Vespa scooter and it gave not a moment of trouble. New models have twice as many parts to go wrong and will probably require a computer to diagnose them.

The moment I heard about the closing of the two-stroke factories I went to my bank and negotiated a loan, then rushed out and bought one of the last batch of traditional, two-stroke powered scooters to come off the production line (in India).

If you should happen to see a bearded gnome trundling along on a scooter, wearing a smug smile and a T-shirt with “WNV” written on it, that will be me.

The smile will be because I reckon I will be riding that little two-stroke scooter long after the new models have died, rusted and landed on the scrap heap.

I think my grandchildren may inherit it when I land up on a scrap heap. It will still be running well. And don’t be too puzzled if my tombstone bears the letters WNV, instead of the usual RIP. Last Laugh

Freddie went into a bar where a piano player was plunking out old favourite tunes. He had a pet monkey sitting on the piano collecting money from the customers. Freddie ordered a beer and when it arrived he set it on the piano and turned to watch the piano player. No sooner had he turned than the monkey hopped over and spat into his drink.

Freddie tapped the piano player on the shoulder and said indignantly: “Do you know your monkey just spat in my beer?”

“No,” said the pianist, “but if you hum a few bars I’ll probably pick up the tune.”