What the bleep, Telkom?

MY NEW Telkom phone will probably last forever. The simple reason for this has nothing to do with sturdy construction or good workmanship. In fact, it’s a flimsy, little, cheap-looking plastic toy. It will last forever because it is never used.

A century from now, the residents of this house will still have a brand-new piece of useless plastic sitting silently on a table in the lounge.

The problem is that it is too polite. My old phone was very intrusive. I’d be sitting enjoying a quiet glass of something, or filling in today’s Sudoku puzzle, when the phone would bleep loudly, demanding my attention.

I’d jump up and answer it simply for the sake of peace.

The new phone is very polite. Instead of emitting rude bleeps, it clears its throat discreetly and makes the whispered electronic equivalent of: “Psst. Ahem. Excuse me. If you’re not awfully busy ...”

You have to be standing within two metres of it to hear it.

My brother, who lives in a large farmhouse in the Karoo, had the same problem with his new phone until his daughter gave him a baby monitor. Now, when his polite phone whispers “psst” in the farm office, the baby monitor repeats the “psst” in the family TV room and it allows you just enough time to dash up to the office and not answer the phone, which stopped ringing the moment you reached the door. I will never cease to wonder at the marvels of modern communication.

There may even be a way of correcting the new phone’s shyness. For all I know, you just have to dial a secret code such as #1Z3# to turn the mouse’s whisper into a lion’s roar.

I’ll never know, though, because the phone arrived with no instructions.

A man knocked at my door and thrust a box into my hands and vanished down the garden path. I called after him: “How do I work this thing?” and he shrugged as he slammed his van door and said: “Search me. I’m just a courier.”

We were told these new wi-fi phones were introduced because of the ongoing theft of copper telephone cables.

I’m beginning to wonder whether it’s all a cunning plot hatched in cahoots with the cellphone networks.

When my mobile phone bleeps in my pocket, there’s no way of ignoring it; it makes my keys rattle.

Meanwhile, there is probably a politician’s grandson earning a decent living making little beaded animals for tourists. He gets the wire free.

It used to be part of Telkom’s outdated phone network.

Just a theory.

Last Laugh

Two men met in the local pub and were trying to impress each other about how successful they were.

“When I wake up in the morning,” said one of them, “I like to lie quietly for a few minutes before reaching over to my bedside table to ring the bell for the valet to bring my coffee.”

“Good heavens!” exclaimed the other, “you have a valet?”

The other chap looked slightly embarrassed and then said: “No, not really, no. But I do have a bell.”

IT SEEMS the government’s plan to improve the country’s higher education system may not yield fruitful results any time soon, particularly as the Anc-led government continues to flip-flop around important issues.

Following the 81.3% overall matric pass rate by the class of 2019, with 186 000 pupils qualifying for a Bachelor’s degree, Higher Education Minister Blade Nzimande said yesterday that there were over 200 000 spaces at the country’s public universities.

Nzimande admitted there weren’t enough spaces in some programmes offered by universities, adding that his department had also requested universities and Technical and Vocational Education and Training (TVET) colleges “not to over-enrol” and to reject any walk-ins.

Sadly the minister did not give great detail about what options were available to students who had passed matric and insisted on going to varsity or colleges because, given the history of enrolments in this country, many of them will without doubt flock to these institutions over the next few weeks.

Instead, Nzimande proudly revealed how over the last year the National Student Financial Aid Scheme (NSFAS) had received a record-breaking number of applications – more than 542 268 – which was up by 26% compared to the previous financial year.

He said 430 000 applications had since been approved for NSFAS funding, with 281 639 of these reserved for social grant beneficiaries.

However, in 2019 many NSFAS students three to six months down the line still found themselves without accommodation and food vouchers.

As a result, this led to protests at some institutions such as the Durban University of Technology and the Tshwane University of Technology.

While the NSFAS figures allocated towards funding may be impressive for the government, the reality is that not everyone will have space to study further.

Furthermore, with higher education institutions constantly compelled to lower their tertiary fees by Feesmustfall activists, it is incumbent on Nzimande to explain how his department will prevent a national crisis from arising when frustrated learners are eventually turned down because of overcrowding.

In essence, the government needs to be honest and upfront about the status quo and discuss whether building institutions is a solution or not.