PUT YOUR SELF FIRST

Do not put yourself second. Do not deny yourself pleasure or sacrifice yourself and your needs for your partner – or any other adult for that matter. Not when it comes to love and relationships, and certainly not when it comes to sex. It is the biggest conceptual and practical step women must take when it comes to asserting their desire for a more satisfying sex life. And I say ‘women’ specifically, because for thousands of generations we have been taught that good girls don’t make a noise, don’t make demands, put other people’s needs first, are sexually neutral objects, and are primarily valuable only to satisfy men’s needs, whether that’s for procreation or recreation. If a woman puts her needs and desires first, if she defines herself beyond the roles of mother/wife/sister/ daughter, if she steps outside this paradigm towards selfempowerment, if she moves from object to subject, she is branded selfish. Yet we are told repeatedly that great sex and better relationships are based on good communication. And this is true.

But good communication, where you convey your needs and desires clearly, and where you can hold another person’s needs and desires without feeling put upon, is only possible if you believe that what you want is allowed and what you have to say is worthwhile.

So before you can start creating the sex life you want with someone else, you have to start with you. You have to give yourself permission to get Self-centred.

What do you need? What do you want? More time during sex? Less of a particular kind of touch? More dirty talk? More exploring?

Do you know? Can you practise telling your partner(s)? Are you able to walk away from partners who are not able to meet you sexually?

Respect your sexual energy, however it expresses itself. If this means getting ‘selfish’, then by all means step into that with purpose. DOROTHY BLACK, author and columnist, @dorothyblack