IGNORE YOUR INNER CRITIC

Women are often socialised to think of sex as something we have to give to a man: it comes with a sense of obligation – something we do to serve or to keep the man, rather than something intrinsic to who we are as women. The problem with this sense of service is that it gets entangled with what’s going on in the relationship and becomes something you can choose to give or withdraw.

When you own your sexuality and see that you, too, are a sexual being with needs and desires, your approach changes to seeing sex as serving you first and your partner second. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about being self-serving in order to be other-serving.

Another thing that often gets in the way is that we are bombarded by images of unrealistic and often unattainable perfection that we can’t live up to. When we take this sense of ourselves not being good enough through to our intimacy, we become self-critical, which means that that’s where our energy goes instead of towards what we are doing. As women, we need to remind ourselves that men are not aware of or concerned about some of the things we are preoccupied with. If it were a major issue for him, he wouldn’t want to get intimate with you. So the fact that he does is enough reason for you to give yourself permission to let go of these issues and be fully present, especially in that moment. KHOSI JIYANE, clinical psychologist