Embrace change

Over the years, in a committed relationship, it becomes more difficult to get a balance between the domestic and the erotic. The biggest problem is that we expect sex to be blissful and spontaneous every time. Many women visit our consulting rooms complaining about a boring and less frequent sex life. As their domestic responsibilities lessen as the kids become more independent, women are often confronted by the lack of intimacy. This may trigger questions about the quality of the relationship. If the couple cannot resolve this, emotional and relationship problems develop, usually through escalating conflict, insecurities about being loved or an extramarital affair.

We all go through different developmental phases and need to adapt to the demands of each new phase. If you try to apply what worked before, you might be surprised to find those solutions no longer work.

As we mature in our relationships, we become more entrenched in our separateness and our careers. If you don’t realise this, and celebrate it, loneliness and emotional insecurity set in. Don’t qualify your identity only in relation to your partner. Support each other so that you keep intimacy alive.

Eroticism is numbed through repetition. It thrives when you start feeding the mysterious or the unexpected. Often just a change of scenery from where you usually have sex makes a difference. Try to find a new sexual position. Make erotic suggestions to your partner. It will make him feel sexually attractive and affirm his value as a lover in the relationship. DR EUGÉNE VILJOEN, clinical psychologist, certified sexologist