THE JOY OF GENEROSITY:

Why giving is the new receiving.

Oprah Winfrey began the giveaway craze when she handed out everything from cars to cashmere sheets on her talk show. Her influence was significant, as many became more mindful not just of what they had but of the satisfaction of giving. The traditional Christian grace may well become ‘for what we are about to give, may the Lord make us truly thankful’... Anet Richards* adopted this approach, and shares her discovery of the joy of generosity.

The pleasure that Anet Richards experiences every time she hands out an overly generous gift or tip to a parking guard or street vendor has made her look at the world differently. But the decision to be so generous wasn’t really a decision – in a way, it was gifted to her.

While on a trip to London for a physiotherapy conference, Anet borrowed a couple of thousand rands from her friend Gary*. When she tried to pay him back on his return to South Africa, he flatly refused to accept the money. Anet argued with him until he suggested she give a R100 gift to anyone who she felt needed it, until the debt was paid up.

‘You will know who to give it to,’ he said.

The thought that she could hold on to the money without him ever knowing did cross her mind… Fortunately it passed quickly – and she’s been on a joyful journey ever since.

Anet started that very day when she observed a solitary lifesaver sitting for hours on the beach with his hoodie around his ears and a towel over his face to keep the sun and wind out. He was diligently focused on the waves and the crowd, and she witnessed him help a few people in strong currents. Anet approached him when his shift had ended.

‘I want to tell you a lovely story,’ she said, and afterwards handed him the R100. He hugged her, beaming in disbelief. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. ‘Are you serious? I’m going to buy my friends drinks tonight!’ He had spontaneously decided to share his small windfall.

Anet became drawn to many people during that week – homeless or helpful people, smiley or seemingly sad – but she found herself being generous to those who had friendly dispositions yet difficult lives.

The petrol attendant working on Christmas Day while she was on her way to a big family meal said to her: ‘Lady, you must have yourself a happy Christmas!’ She quickly returned the compliment with a blue buffalo note. He said he thought he’d seen an angel. And, Anet says, ‘Sometimes I give it to someone sour just to cheer them up a little.’

She isn’t looking for gratitude and doesn’t like flashing the cash, so she usually crumples the note and pushes it into the palm of someone’s hand before driving off, watching their reaction in her rearview mirror. She’s been surprised by the shock and delight (or the group hug) that such a relatively small amount brings. Some people fall to their knees; others become tearful.

‘I’ve come to realise how much R100 means for many people, and it’s made me notice how easily I spend it. If I draw R1 000, I don’t really miss R100.’ Anet’s story has a remarkable postscript. Shortly after she’d handed out her last R100 from the money she owed Gary, to a woman appealing to her at traffic lights, she glanced down from her bike and noticed a R100 note on the road. A reward in return? Anet thought she might buy everyone in her cycling group coffee after the ride, but when she came across a man sleeping in the subway on a piece of cardboard, she tucked the R100 under his makeshift pillow and stole off.

The compulsion to continue was strong, and she’s been giving generously for months, way beyond her original debt, and plans to keep going indefinitely.

‘I’ve come to realise how much R100 means for many people, and it’s made me notice how easily I spend it. If I draw R1 000, I don’t really miss R100.’

‘Next time someone owes me money,’ she says, ‘I‘m going to say, “Forget about it; give it to someone who really needs it.”’

Anet’s story prompted her friend Colleen* to give her own three children a different kind of gift at Christmas. A few hundred rands – not for them, but for them to gift others.

‘It didn’t have to be R100, but they had to tip people in need, or of service, much more than the person would expect,’ says Colleen. Of all the presents they opened, this has been their most fulfilling and memorable, she says.

Ian*, a 22-year-old student Anet knows, was on the receiving end of unexpected generosity. He’d taken his grandmother out for a Valentine’s Day treat and listened compassionately to her wistful tale of a long-lost love. When he was ready to pay the bill, a woman popped a handwritten note on the table that read: ‘I couldn’t help overhear you with your gran at the next table. I was so touched by the attentive, kind, gentle manner you have and the respect you show. I aim to raise my kids to treat my mom like this. I have paid for your meal just to make you both smile. XX.’

Ian looked around in surprise to thank her, but she was gone. Hopefully she’d hung around out of view to see the huge smiles of delight her generosity had brought to his and his gran’s faces, and to appreciate that she’d made a rugby-playing guy tear up.

Anet feels that the act of giving isn’t just about money.

‘We all need a bit of attention and appreciation, and the elation I see is that the person feels valued because someone has chosen to be kind to them.’

Mark Williams*, an IT project manager, lives out this theory. He believes that when he’s having an awful day, that’s precisely when he needs to be generous. ‘The key is first to realise that I’m in a bad mood, and often the issue bothering me is quite unimportant in the greater scheme of things.’ He then looks for someone whose day he can brighten a little.

‘Like the lady who mops the floor before seven every morning outside Pick n Pay. No one seems to notice her, but the floor is always spotless. One day, years ago, I was unreasonably cross about something and it was threatening to spoil my day. So I stopped and chatted to her, and thanked her for making everything look so nice. Not only did it cheer me up, it’s now impossible for me to get to gym without us exchanging big grins as we greet each other. She may think I’m bonkers, but if that makes her chuckle, that’s cool.’ Mark also remembers being in a foul mood after ‘a child-infested overnight flight’, made worse when he dropped the precious wine he’d been transporting while wrestling his bag from the carousel. But his anger and embarrassment were assuaged when he spotted a frail, distressed woman who seemed to have been abandoned in a wheelchair. So he turned his attention to helping her through customs. ‘We had a lovely chat, and I realised that she knew my mum. Suddenly I’d completely calmed down,’ Mark says.

There’s another true story about giving of a different kind, told by Anne Lamott in her book on writing and life, Bird by

Bird, about an eight-year-old boy whose younger sister was dying of leukaemia. ‘He was told that without a blood transfusion his sister would die,’ Lamott writes. ‘His parents explained to him that his blood was probably compatible with hers, and if so, he could be the blood donor. They asked him if they could test his blood. He said “Sure”. So they did and it was a good match. Then they asked if he’d give his sister a pint of blood, that it could be her only chance of living. He said he would have to think about it overnight.

‘The next day he told his parents he was willing to donate the blood. So they took him to the hospital where he was put on a gurney beside his six-year-old sister. Both of them were hooked up to IVs. A nurse withdrew a pint of blood from the boy, which was then put in the girl’s IV. The boy lay on his gurney in silence while the blood dripped into his sister, until the doctor came over. Then the boy opened his eyes and asked, “How soon until I start to die?”’

In his mind, that boy was prepared to give the ultimate gift, the gift of life. But most gifts are more accessible and achievable and can be given in many forms, and all of them bring reward to the giver.

‘When I am thanked for a gift and I reply, “It’s a pleasure,” I really mean that,’ says Anet. ‘It feels like I’m the winner. Giving is a simple way to tell another struggling soul that there is love in the world.’

*Names have been changed