ACTUALLY, IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

Cathy Eden debunks the pseudo-wisdoms of memes

Scrolling through Facebook the other day, I came upon one of those stock motivational posts presented in a decorative frame as if it were an addendum to the Ten Commandments. This one was about walking away: from toxic people, from uncomfortable situations, from anyone or anything that gets up your nose. Just turn your back and head on out, it instructed, because you deserve nothing but the best in life.

I stared at this apparently encouraging message for a while, noting my mounting irritation.

My first thoughts were: ‘Who writes these things – and on whose authority? Since when do we take to heart a trite set of guidelines attributed to something called soul-juice or cosmic-intention.com?’ (I’ve made up these names, but you get my point.)

It took me a while to work out exactly why I was eyerolling, but here is my response to five assumptions – feel free to add more – that seem to be prevalent in the current ‘it’s all about me’ culture.

1 DISCOMFORT OF ANY KIND MUST BE AVOIDED.

Not true. Discomfort is often exactly what we need to challenge habitual patterns and make changes necessary for our growth. Obviously we aren’t obliged to stand around and take abuse, but neither are we entitled to go through life unperturbed. Unpleasant things happen – even to good people like us. Learning how to deal with difficulty is an essential life skill and part of growing up. Discomfort is a teacher: the lesson may be to walk away but often it is to face a situation and do something about it. My guess is that discomfort and uncertainty are going to become regular companions for us in the years ahead, and we are going to have to develop the maturity and the muscle to live with them.

2 I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

There’s an underlying assumption that we don’t have to participate much in the creation of happiness; we just have to sit back and wait for it to be delivered. Basically, the universe owes

us the things, relationships and experiences that we’ve defined as happy-making. But what about everyone else? Don’t they also deserve to be happy? And what does happiness look like, anyway?

Unfortunately, happiness has been confused with having-ness: if we aren’t having a good time, all the time, we feel unhappy. But happiness is really a mindset, not a checklist. It is a state that can flourish even in discomfort; a basic contentment and acceptance of the ebb and flow of life. And at its heart is gratitude for all that we already have, rather than a grasping for more.

3 I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY WHAT I THINK AND GET WHAT I WANT (because being assertive is good).

Well, that depends on what’s driving us, doesn’t it? Is it self-interest or righteousness for a cause? Even then, spiritual teachers urge us not to tackle society’s problems with the same angry energy that created them or we simply fuel conflict.

Everyone has a right to express an opinion and strive for what they desire in life, but not at the expense of other people’s right to co-exist on the planet and achieve their own goals. We have enough narcissists in positions of power to realise by now that self-obsession is juvenile and unattractive. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Sometimes we have to accept that it’s just not our turn. That’s life, and there’s no point in blaming others for our perceived misfortune. The right to remain silent is often the wiser and more constructive option.

4 I DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE NEGATIVITY.

We can try living in a bubble, blocking out all that is sad and disturbing, but that only works as long as we aren’t in need of support and understanding ourselves. There is a lot of negativity about, and while it is a good idea to filter it, we shouldn’t remove ourselves to the point that we lose our compassion or humility.

Everyone goes through hard times; everyone feels miserable now and then. With healthy boundaries in place we can protect ourselves from those who would hurt or take advantage of us, but sometimes the ‘negativity’ we block is truth that should be heeded, or a cry for help from a friend in trouble. We need each other’s wisdom, talent, creativity and encouragement as we navigate life, so best we stop alienating everyone who causes us a twinge of annoyance.

5 MY PRINCIPLES JUSTIFY MY BEHAVIOUR.

No, they don’t. We all have values and we all have lines that we aren’t prepared to cross – or that we won’t allow others to cross – but there is a way to stand one’s ground without being rude. It’s not admirable to fling accusations at others and then flounce off on a self-congratulatory wave of superiority (a behaviour I once heard aptly described as ‘farting and leaving the room’).

This kind of walking away is actually cowardly; a display of wounded ego rather than integrity. Far better to hone your conversation and listening skills so that different points of view can be aired. We don’t have to accept them or agree with them, but we need to acknowledge that they exist. So there we are; a few reasons why the glib ‘walk away from everything’ post didn’t work for me. Should you accept my take on the topic? Only if you want to. I’m no guru – well, not yet. As soon as I’ve posted my pearls of wisdom in the golden frame I’m designing, my opinion will naturally become Truth. Perhaps you’ll wonder, ‘Who writes this stuff?’ as you peer at the small print at the bottom of the picture. ‘Ah, it’s get-a-grip. com. Yes, we know her. She can be trusted.’