SAFE HOUSE
Kwazulu Natal’s Lighthouse Bar is a (well-stocked) haven in these turbulent times, when you don’t know who may be following you
Idon’t know what it was like to live in the former East Germany under communist rule. It must have been ghastly. The thought of neighbours listening in on your rows with your spouse is pretty horrendous. Or peeping through the keyhole while you stumble through your . . . er, ahem . . . monthly conjugal meeting.
But at least everyone was doing it. While the neighbours watched you, their neighbours watched them watching you. Here in SA today it’s the dastardly Gupta family who is said to be listening in on your fumblings with the lovely wife. They seem to be spying on journalists, bankers and civil servants.
Anywhere else in the world someone would be in jail. Here, the Guptas get to be the president’s best friends.
The criteria for who they tracked seem rather arbitrary. My friend Peter Bruce got spied on by one of their employees. The man excoriates the Guptas very nicely whenever he gets the chance. But thinking that following him around will shut him up is just dumb.
Then there are former finance minister Trevor Manuel and his lovely wife, Barclays Africa CEO Maria Ramos. I guess Ramos could reopen the Gupta accounts — but something must be pretty stinky at your outfit if you think you have to blackmail the CEO of a bank to get your accounts sorted.
Then there are Firstrand bosses Laurie Dippenaar and GT Ferreira. Did the Guptas really think these guys would reopen their accounts?
Of course, all this surveillance of innocent, upstanding, tax-paying South Africans must make a few people in the Gupta orbit hyperventilate.
If these guys can monitor and try to use information against their enemies, imagine what it’s like to be one of the finance minister Malusi Gigaba’s advisers; they frequently seem to turn up as Gupta bagmen. One wrong move and you’ll be blackmailed to hell and gone. Or imagine the
Guptas helped you buy your house — you’d be in hock for life.
Ah well, one mustn’t despair. There are still some great things about this country — like the Lighthouse Bar at the Oyster Box in Kwazulu Natal. What a place. When things get you really down, it’s worth travelling to the province and enjoying its warm weather — and places like the Lighthouse.
From the balcony of this fine establishment you watch the ships crisscrossing the ocean, carrying cargo and passengers to faraway lands. The Guptas may be spying on them. One never knows. The sight is a delight, though.
The Lighthouse attracts the cream of Durban society, from old sugar plantation money to Zulu princesses to thrusting young fund managers to wise old birds being slowly convinced to put some cash into something. There are some types with shrill voices and illfitting suits. They may be Gupta lackeys, but they don’t spoil the atmosphere.
The décor is old colonial: comfortable and opulent, but not too showy. The food menu is a bit disappointing, but you don’t go to the bar for this. The drinks menu makes up for it — it is long and meaningful and extravagant. The clientele has expensive bottles of champagne at the tables. And whisky — very expensive whisky.
I ordered myself a stiff gin and tonic, sat down on the balcony with my friends, looked out at the calming sea, chewed the cud, and life was good in this lovely place. I will go again and again. No-one spied on us.
Something must be pretty stinky at your outfit if you think you have to blackmail the CEO of a bank to get your accounts sorted
The Lighthouse Bar ★★★★½
The Oyster Box 2 Lighthouse Road Umhlanga Rocks, Durban Tel: (031) 514-5000
★★★★★ Mcebisi Jonas ★★★★ Excellent ★★★ Good ★★ Poor ★ Guptas