SOME NUCLEAR, COMRADE?

Zuma must have been at his wits’ end, after successive minions failed to implement the R1 trillion nuclear deal. Time to call in the big guns

As President Jacob Zuma “reshuffled” his cabinet last week, it took all of 15 seconds for anyone versed in Zumanomics to get what he was up to. It was all about getting the nuclear deal done before Vladimir goes all Ukraine on the Union Buildings. Shafting Blade was just the Beluga caviar on a buckwheat blini.

It must be infuriating for Zuma: all the apparatchiks hired to clinch the nuclear deal in recent years had one job — and botched it. Instead, they lost focus and did things like flogging SA’S strategic oil reserves. If only the government medical scheme covered Ritalin.

Evidently, Zuma thought, I need a pro. Enter David Mahlobo: the hitherto “state security minister” whose Linkedin profile should include such highlights as jamming journalists’ phones in parliament, and routinely popping past a brothel in Mpumalanga whose owner, you know, smuggles rhino horn for a living.

We have no idea what Zuma told Mahlobo behind closed doors. I’d like to imagine it went like this . . . Good news David — your name is on the list.

The list? No, Mr President, you know I’d never do anything to embarrass you. It’s just speculation — it’s just a spa where I was getting my nails done. Also, that video could have been anyone. And if you look at the date stamp, you’ll see I wasn’t there for long.

JZ: Hehehe — no, the list of the new cabinet, after the reshuffle. It’s hard to read, but it looks like you’re down to be energy minister. Damn encrypted faxes, bane of my existence. If only the Kremlin used e-mails for more than just sending out fake news.

DM: Really? Well in that case, I’m humbled, I’m

JZ: DM:

Enter David Mahlobo, Jacob Zuma’s confidant and fan of the occasional manicure. Now, he has just one job ...