Can you spot the sex toy?

Glamour (South Africa) - - Glamour Self -

I’m a mostly straight 28 year old in a longterm re­la­tion­ship, and as the co-host of the weekly com­edy sex pod­cast Guys We F----d: The Anti Slut-sham­ing Pod­cast, I’m pretty open to ex­per­i­ment­ing. Any­thing that helps you learn all the ways you can have or­gasms is a win-win in my book.

Toys? Those are also def­i­nitely a yes in my book. Af­ter all, if you try out a vi­bra­tor for the first time and don’t leave the house for two days: win. If your boyfriend buys you an in­tim­i­dat­ingly enor­mous dildo and you have to go to the ER af­ter us­ing it? Well, at least you know that he should get you a smaller one next time!

You might re­alise that you don’t en­joy sex toys, or that vi­bra­tors feel like they’re burn­ing your clit off. This is great news! Be­cause now you know some­thing more about what you like or don’t.

Too of­ten peo­ple go to their graves with­out hav­ing ever in­dulged their sex­ual cu­rios­ity. And you don’t want to be that per­son with all the re­grets, right?

So, if I may, here’s a lit­tle ad­vice on the sub­ject.

When buy­ing, ask ques­tions

For the record, I’m not a “ded­i­cated to sex toys” kind of girl, but I’m cer­tainly a “ded­i­cate a drawer” type.

I got my first one at 18. My then-boyfriend bought me a skinny pink vi­bra­tor with thick ridges for my birth­day. We were at his par­ents’ house, and he took me back to his room, which was con­fus­ing – un­til I re­alised that he didn’t want me to un­wrap a sex toy in front of his par­ents (Good move, D!).

When I opened my gift, a gi­gan­tic, bash­ful smile spread across my face. I had al­ways dreamt of hav­ing a vi­bra­tor, but was too ter­ri­fied to step in­side a sex-toy shop. And I had al­ways been un­der the im­pres­sion that guys would be in­tim­i­dated by a girl who used a vi­bra­tor. But here he was, in­tro­duc­ing a toy into our re­la­tion­ship.

If you’re not blessed to be gifted a toy, though, you’re go­ing to have to buy your own. I know it’s tempt­ing to shop on­line and get your dis­creetly wrapped box a few days later, but for your first foray, I highly rec­om­mend go­ing to a real store if there’s one near you.

I bought my first sex toy with my cur­rent boyfriend Stephen. Im­por­tant thing to note if you’ve never walked into one of these places? The peo­ple who work there will not judge your sex life. It’s like when I worked at an Ap­ple store, I never talked to a cus­tomer and thought, ‘Oh my gosh, you’re here to buy a… com­puter? Ew, freak!’

And just as I learnt a lot about com­put­ers work­ing at Ap­ple, the peo­ple work­ing at adult stores know a thing or two about sex and or­gasms, so ask them ques­tions.

On my first visit, a cute girl with pur­ple hair asked me about the kind of or­gasm I liked. I wanted to run away, but boy, I’m glad that I didn’t. I hadn’t thought about that, and I re­alised that I pre­ferred cli­toral stim­u­la­tion, but wanted to ex­plore G-spot or­gasms – as well as find some­thing to use with my boyfriend.

Af­ter we had dis­cussed or­gasms for 45 min­utes, she rec­om­mended the Gigi vi­bra­tor by Lelo. Good call. Mag­i­cal, ac­tu­ally.

If you still wince at the idea of a phys­i­cal store, browse a few web­sites first. That way, you’ll have an over­view of your op­tions and can go to the store with ques­tions in­stead of be­ing over­whelmed by all the colour­ful, pe­nis-shaped rub­ber things in your face.

And once you own the toy? En­joy. Ev­ery body works dif­fer­ently. Set aside an hour and take advantage of hav­ing a vagina!

Want to get your part­ner into toys?

If you’re fond of your toy, you may want to use it with your part­ner. Feel out how into it he or she is, and don’t be shy – this is the per­son you have sex with, af­ter all. So many women have told me they’re ner­vous to in­tro­duce a vi­bra­tor into sex be­cause they don’t want their part­ners to feel bad. My 18-year-old self wor­ried about that, too. If you feel

“once you own the toy? en­joy. And take ADVANTAGE of hav­ing A VAGINA!”

the same way, I have some ques­tions for you: why are you pri­ori­tis­ing their feel­ings over your own? What if they don’t mind and are ac­tu­ally ex­cited about that sce­nario? And if they do get up­set, can’t you at least have a con­ver­sa­tion about it?

I per­son­ally as­sume that ev­ery­one is won­der­ful un­til they prove me wrong, so let’s say for ar­gu­ment’s sake that your part­ner gets his or her panties in a twist over the idea of you us­ing a vi­bra­tor dur­ing sex and, af­ter much dis­cus­sion, is still not OK with the idea. Fine. If you can live with that, you may end up hav­ing bet­ter sex any­way be­cause (hope­fully) you will have talked about what you want and what works for you.

And if you aren’t OK with giv­ing up on toys? Talk some Christ­mas morn­ing, my mouth said, “This looks fun!” but my heart said, “Ah, WTF?” When we tried it out a few nights later, I made him go very slow. And I’ve got to say, I en­joyed it – un­til the end, when my in­sides started to feel funny. We fell asleep and four hours later, I woke up in ex­cru­ci­at­ing pain. Turns out I had an ovar­ian cyst, and it had burst. (At the hospi­tal, I wasn’t go­ing to tell the doc­tor what had hap­pened, but they loaded me up with mor­phine and I proudly shouted, “It was the big­gest dildo ever, you guys!”)

Ac­cord­ing to the doc­tor, the cyst had al­ready been close to burst­ing and the dildo had ir­ri­tated it fur­ther.

That huge dildo is now col­lect­ing dust in my bed­side drawer be­cause I don’t have the heart to throw it away. It was a gift from my beloved, and look­ing at it makes me laugh too much to toss it.

Stephen and I have since

moved on to gad­gets, like the Hi­tachi Magic Wand. In other words: I got back on that horse! Hav­ing a bad ex­pe­ri­ence with any­thing in life is al­most al­ways a plus, be­cause you come out of it with thicker skin and more knowl­edge about how the world and its peo­ple work.

Or in this case, the size of dildo that feels right for you.

Men might want one, too

But per­haps the most fas­ci­nat­ing part of my sex­toy ex­pe­ri­ence was learn­ing that, like women, men have dif­fer­ent types of or­gasms.

Stephen and I dis­cov­ered this af­ter buy­ing the Aneros Helix, a male G-spot stim­u­la­tor. Most of my straight male friends think sex toys are re­served for women, with the ex­cep­tion of the Flesh­light (looks like a torch, but un­screw the cap and it’s a mould of a vagina, mouth or… you get the idea).

Mean­while, the ma­jor­ity of my gay male friends are liv­ing it up in the bed­room with a plethora of toys. Why should they have all the fun? Ask your part­ner if he’d like to in­cor­po­rate a toy for his plea­sure into the bed­room. See­ing Stephen get off with the Aneros was su­per hot.

And don’t worry about sex toys tak­ing over your sex life; we use some sort of gad­get only 40% of the time. That works for us, and you’ll find your own num­ber. For Stephen and me, it’s mainly a com­bi­na­tion of con­ve­nience, lo­ca­tion and, yes, ego plays into it a lit­tle.

There was a time when I broke out the Magic Wand ev­ery time we got naked, and Stephen made a sub­tle com­ment like, “Wow, you re­ally like that thing, huh?” so I started leav­ing it in the drawer a lit­tle more of­ten. The point is, we talk about it. Those talks can get tricky, but speak­ing up about your in­se­cu­ri­ties, hes­i­ta­tions, pref­er­ences and fan­tasies paves the way for en­joy­ing sex in all its sweaty glory.

“Ask your part­ner if he’d like to in­cor­po­rate A toy for his plea­sure into the bed­room.”

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