Sex ques­tions ev­ery cou­ple should ask

Real cou­ples bravely took home our list – and found it made them closer than ever.

Glamour (South Africa) - - Glamour Sex -

These days most of us have sex un­re­strainedly, when­ever we please, in bright places and am­bi­tious po­si­tions. At the same time, we keep our pri­vate sex souls deeply buried. What we say we like out loud are of­ten the things we think the other per­son wants us to like, not the stick­ier things, the qui­eter, stranger and truer things. But voic­ing those bits is the only way to re­ally be naked; the truth might be the most am­bi­tious sex po­si­tion of all.

What would you ask your part­ner if com­plete hon­esty were the only rule? What would you re­veal? We started with over 50 pos­si­ble ques­tions, and then nar­rowed them down to 21, which our vol­un­teers went through at their leisure.

A few cou­ples dropped out, but those who com­pleted the ques­tions – see the list on the last page – have in com­mon a re­mark­able open­ness. They know many of the other’s an­swers be­fore ask­ing. But they, too, dis­cov­ered some sur­pris­ing things about the per­son they sleep with. That’s the thing about sex: even when we’re naked, we’re afraid of be­ing ir­re­vo­ca­bly ex­posed. As these cou­ples show, it’s worth push­ing past that, worth be­ing brave with the per­son you prom­ise your­self to.

You may imag­ine that talk­ing about past lovers is the most sub­stan­tial sex­ual his­tory to share with a part­ner, but more over­looked is what you learn from ques­tion 10 – the ex­pe­ri­ences of your for­ma­tive years, per­haps be­fore you were hav­ing sex at all. Les­lie, 35, a nurse, and Brian 39, an an­a­lyst, com­bine the com­fort and se­cu­rity of a 10-year mar­riage with the zeal of new lovers.

Brian So what shaped the way you have sex? Les­lie Un­til now, I’d never linked this, but when I was 14, I had my first job work­ing at a pub­lic li­brary. I would see mas­sive amounts of smut nov­els com­ing and go­ing, and I was like, ‘What are these?’ I re­mem­ber rush­ing to get done with shelv­ing a cart of books so I could sit be­side the shelves and read a few pages. Now I still have those sto­ry­lines in my head when we have sex. You’re a neigh­bour and I need a cup of sugar. Or we’re the only two peo­ple camp­ing on a cold moun­tain, and my tent mal­func­tions… all of it’s from those books! Brian I’m so tuned into what I’m feel­ing that there’s no room for even one thought go­ing through my brain! New ques­tion: what do you wish I’d do more of? Les­lie Talk dirty. Brian That would take me out of the mo­ment – I think I’d lose my erec­tion if I tried to think of what to say. Com­plete the sen­tence: I’ve never wanted to have sex with you as much as when… Les­lie You do man­ual labour around the house. When you built that ta­ble? Or the way you know your way with your tools? All that cliché cave­man stuff makes me want to jump your bones. Brian [Laughs] I don’t find fe­male stereo­types sexy. I don’t see you wash­ing dishes and want to jump you. For me, I like to watch you try on clothes, dresses, look­ing at your­self in the mir­ror. You look beau­ti­ful. have fallen into a sex­ual rou­tine. They still have a sense of ad­ven­ture, though: twice a year, they swing. Sa­hara was sur­prised by the an­swer to ques­tion three: is there a place you’d like me to touch more?

Michael I wish you touched my back more of­ten. Sa­hara Your back?! [Laughs] Michael Yes! I want you to pull me to­wards you. Sa­hara Noted. I wish we had more fore­play: mas­sage, touch­ing, oral. We are too young to just head straight to sex with­out the fore­play. Michael I didn’t re­alise it was so im­por­tant to you. I’ll make an ef­fort to do bet­ter. Ques­tion two: what frus­trates you about hav­ing sex with me? Sa­hara Well, you take an hour to come some­times and that can be ex­haust­ing. Michael I feel a lot of pres­sure to do it, and that slows it down, I think. As for ques­tion 19, we know the an­swer – we do have sex with other peo­ple. I ad­mit, some­times when we’re hav­ing sex, just the two of us, I’ll call up vi­su­als of past swing­ing ex­pe­ri­ences. Sa­hara I do, too! Ex­cept that one night when we stayed over, and you held the other girl all night. The sex is fine, it’s a turn-on for me to watch you with some­one else, but when you were hold­ing her, I was like, “Uh, that’s not me!” Michael Do you want me more when you’re jealous? Sa­hara Yes – it re­minds me how at­trac­tive and what a great catch you are.

Stacey And when you wear sun­nies. And a grey and pink cross-hatched bikini. And you have a cock­tail. And there’s a ho­tel room nearby. Jenni Ha! I love your strong fore­arms and back. What about turn-offs? Stacey I have to say that hav­ing sex when you’re preg­nant is a ma­jor turn-off. We spend so much time try­ing to strate­gise that the mood just fiz­zles. Jenni What to­tally kills my mood is when I feel you get­ting ex­as­per­ated when it’s tak­ing me too long to come. I get this guilty feel­ing of ‘Why am I tak­ing so long?’, and I au­to­mat­i­cally shut down. I can tell that you’re an­noyed. Stacey I don’t get an­noyed! Jenni You do sigh and stuff. Stacey I do not! Jenni Maybe your ‘cues’ are 99% in my head. Stacey More like 100%. Next ques­tion: do you think that we have less sex than our friends? Jenni Ab­so­lutely. We have a tod­dler! And I’m preg­nant. Stacey Re­mem­ber how we used to sub­scribe to that porn chan­nel? That ended once the baby ar­rived. Jenni We both love our sleep. Some­times – a lot of times – we choose it over sex. Stacey But we’re still big fans of the af­ter­noon mid­nap quickie! Jenni Next ques­tion: if I were OK with you hav­ing sex with other peo­ple, would you do it? Stacey I’d con­sider it. Jenni Me too. It’d be a turnon at the time, but – Stacey Are you kid­ding? You’d be psy­cho awk­ward. Jenni OK, you’re right. The idea makes me feel in­se­cure and weird. Stacey I kind of like get­ting jealous – it makes me want you even more, know­ing that, at the end of the night, you’re all mine. Over­all, I like our rou­tine, but we’ve be­come ef­fi­cient, which is not the hottest qual­ity. Jenni Let’s bring back more of the af­ter­noon quickie!

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