Mind Sorry, my bad
Apologies can be hard to give and get, but how you make amends is the key, writes Alyssa Shelasky.
We do things we regret, like saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment or making a bad judgement call. We’re human and it happens. But if my dating experiences have taught me anything, it’s that how you say sorry can either be the end of an argument or the start of a new one. A genuine mea culpa – the kind where you dig deep and mean it – resolves tensions, while a curt, sarcastic one is like a slap in the face. All relationships are complicated, but learning to apologise sincerely and with intention brings you closer and makes you stronger as a couple. Here are some things to keep in mind. Unless you’ve had therapy to relearn life skills (if so, kudos to you!), most of our apology styles come from childhood.
Some people grew up saying, “I’m sorry” the second the storm hit. Others, after days of contemplation. In my family, we usually dealt with conflict by having a good fight, a good laugh and dropping it – not unhealthy, but not particularly deep, either.
It wasn’t until I dated a talk-it-out kind of guy that I learnt to reflect on what had transpired, what was hidden beneath the muck. It took patience on his part and maturity on mine, but in time we found our sweet spot.
What’s important is to recognise that apologising is an emotional muscle that needs to be exercised and developed over time – and it gets easier as you go along. This can help both of you stay calm in the face of big feelings. There are cute sorryI-ate-your-bar-one apologies. Then there are the more complex, brutal ones. Like, you flirted with someone else. More than once. Consider: why did you feel the need to turn elsewhere for attention? If you don’t get to the root of the issue, you can’t apologise properly – and allow both of you to begin to heal.
The upside is that this is a great excuse for self- reflection and growth. And when you own up to the truth, such as your emotional or sexual needs not being fulfilled, you’re much more likely to be heard and to find a way forward together.