Your sexy-talk cheat sheet
Always stumped when asked to ‘talk dirty’? Sex blogger Girl on the Net can help you get fluent in filthy.
Comedians don’t just wake up one morning and find they’re hilarious. Likewise, no sex writer is born with an innate gift for sexy chat. I used to panic when guys asked me to talk dirty – freezing with terror before blurting out, “I love your penis!” But as a professional sex writer I’ve picked up some tricks that make filthy talk easy and fun. The ‘fun’ is key: smut isn’t something to toil over, like homework, it’s a sex act to embrace and enjoy.
1 Focus on the build up
I spend lots of time throwing hot questions at my partner, things like, “Where’s your favourite place to come?” or, “What makes this porn scene better than the one you just skipped?” You’ll get an idea of their kinks and, as a bonus, they’ll become more comfortable talking about sex in casual conversation.
2 Find your comfort zone
If you think about it, sex authors have their work cut out. Telling a new story involves a plot and characterisation, as well as remembering whose throbbing sword has pierced whose eager… well, you get the idea. In real life I keep it two-fold: Step one Stick to the non-fictional approach. The simplest genre is factual: describing what’s happening as it happens, like an intrepid sex reporter broadcasting from between the sheets, can be seriously hot. Step two For a more substantial storyline, without the stress of plot, nostalgia is your friend. Try, “I cant stop thinking about that time when you…” followed by the details of the steamy encounter. Memory flows more naturally than invention, giving you time to enjoy what you’re saying rather than covering ‘plot’ points in your head. What’s more, you’re guaranteed an eager audience – who doesn’t love hearing excerpts from their ‘best sex’ hall of fame?
3 Set your style guide
As a BDSM fan, words like ‘whip’ turn me into a puddle of lust. But linguistic turn-ons have corresponding turn-offs. One ex adored the word ‘pussy’, while I preferred the C-word, so our dirty talk sounded like a passive-aggressive row between pendants. If you can’t find a gynaecological term that works for you both, try ignoring nouns and replacing them with, “Do me hard; lick me so very gently” or, “Do me like I’ve been really bad”.
4 Ignore your inner critic
The best advice I’ve been given is to just say something, anything. Commit to it without thinking of your inner editor. Want to tell him to put your knickers in his mouth? Just open your mouth, and let the words flow. This isn’t a test, it’s about confidence and control.
For more advice, get Girl on the Net by Anonymous (Bonnier Books; R202), available now.