Your sexy-talk cheat sheet

Al­ways stumped when asked to ‘talk dirty’? Sex blog­ger Girl on the Net can help you get flu­ent in filthy.

Glamour (South Africa) - - All about you -

Co­me­di­ans don’t just wake up one morn­ing and find they’re hi­lar­i­ous. Like­wise, no sex writer is born with an in­nate gift for sexy chat. I used to panic when guys asked me to talk dirty – freez­ing with ter­ror be­fore blurt­ing out, “I love your pe­nis!” But as a pro­fes­sional sex writer I’ve picked up some tricks that make filthy talk easy and fun. The ‘fun’ is key: smut isn’t some­thing to toil over, like home­work, it’s a sex act to embrace and en­joy.

1 Fo­cus on the build up

I spend lots of time throw­ing hot ques­tions at my part­ner, things like, “Where’s your favourite place to come?” or, “What makes this porn scene bet­ter than the one you just skipped?” You’ll get an idea of their kinks and, as a bonus, they’ll be­come more com­fort­able talk­ing about sex in casual con­ver­sa­tion.

2 Find your com­fort zone

If you think about it, sex au­thors have their work cut out. Telling a new story in­volves a plot and char­ac­ter­i­sa­tion, as well as re­mem­ber­ing whose throb­bing sword has pierced whose ea­ger… well, you get the idea. In real life I keep it two-fold: Step one Stick to the non-fic­tional ap­proach. The sim­plest genre is fac­tual: de­scrib­ing what’s hap­pen­ing as it hap­pens, like an in­trepid sex re­porter broad­cast­ing from be­tween the sheets, can be se­ri­ously hot. Step two For a more sub­stan­tial sto­ry­line, with­out the stress of plot, nos­tal­gia is your friend. Try, “I cant stop think­ing about that time when you…” fol­lowed by the de­tails of the steamy en­counter. Mem­ory flows more nat­u­rally than in­ven­tion, giv­ing you time to en­joy what you’re say­ing rather than cov­er­ing ‘plot’ points in your head. What’s more, you’re guar­an­teed an ea­ger au­di­ence – who doesn’t love hear­ing ex­cerpts from their ‘best sex’ hall of fame?

3 Set your style guide

As a BDSM fan, words like ‘whip’ turn me into a pud­dle of lust. But lin­guis­tic turn-ons have cor­re­spond­ing turn-offs. One ex adored the word ‘pussy’, while I pre­ferred the C-word, so our dirty talk sounded like a pas­sive-ag­gres­sive row be­tween pen­dants. If you can’t find a gy­nae­co­log­i­cal term that works for you both, try ig­nor­ing nouns and re­plac­ing them with, “Do me hard; lick me so very gen­tly” or, “Do me like I’ve been re­ally bad”.

4 Ig­nore your in­ner critic

The best ad­vice I’ve been given is to just say some­thing, any­thing. Com­mit to it with­out think­ing of your in­ner ed­i­tor. Want to tell him to put your knick­ers in his mouth? Just open your mouth, and let the words flow. This isn’t a test, it’s about con­fi­dence and con­trol.

For more ad­vice, get Girl on the Net by Anony­mous (Bon­nier Books; R202), avail­able now.

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