“What I want you to know”
Time brings wisdom. So we asked four awesome wise women to share the insights they’d love you to know.
Wisdom to live by
What I’ve learnt
My parents weren’t affluent and they worked hard all their lives, providing me with incredible role models, especially when it came to charity. My mom instilled the belief in honesty, giving without expectation of a reward and “there’s no such thing as can’t”.
I firmly believe that anything can be achieved with determination and vision, starting with the days when I was newly married and running a small business in Joburg selling bulk products at wholesale prices to the public, to years of fundraising and organising events.
I lost my son Brett and my husband Peter in untimely ways, and I had to deal with cancer, but my years of never giving up made me determined that I would not see myself as a victim.
6 Things I’d love you to know
Get advice from your parents and close family. They’ve been through the university of life and only want what’s best for you. Treasure your parents. One day you’ll blink and they won’t be there. Move on from the past. Have you made a mistake? Learn from it and then stop reliving an event that caused you pain. Don’t stress about the future. It’s never productive, so rather tell yourself that you’ll deal with whatever happens when – and if – it happens. Know that tomorrow is not promised. I lost my son Brett to a brutal murder in 2006, and my husband Peter to a sudden heart attack nine months later. Both losses were so unexpected, with no time for goodbyes. Tell people how much they mean to you and thank them for what they do – now, when you have the chance!
3 Things you really should worry about
Your health: It’s your most important possession, so make time to care for yourself, just as you care for others. Your independence: Keep on learning and educating yourself, so you’re able to run your own life. Your ability to listen: Really listen instead of thinking about your response. It makes a huge difference!
And… 2 things you just shouldn’t give attention to
Things that are out of your control! Put them in a bubble and blow them away. People who talk behind your back: Ignore what they say and put your energy into creating a circle of loyal friends instead.
“Always tell people how much they mean to you.” –Denise Goldin, 71, philanthropist "Try not to keep reliving events that caused you pain."
What I’ve learnt
I grew up in the UK, with a mother who taught me to take pride in myself and my home. She also taught me to cook and sew, which saved me a lot of money over the years!
I was a teenager when I started working as a clerical assistant at an electricity utility company. I had no formal qualifications, but I worked hard and got promoted, going from filing clerk to account manager, which meant dealing with thousands of clients. I was a stay-at-home mom when my children were small, but I returned to work when my children were older.
Life becomes more and more precious with time and after I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001, my husband, John, and I decided it was time to really appreciate our lives. In 2003, we came to SA on holiday. We fell in love with the country, bought a house and moved here the following year. In retrospect, my diagnosis helped bring me to the place where I feel I belong.
3 Things I’d love you to know
Be prepared to compromise for your relationship. After 44 years of marriage, my husband loves me for myself, but it’s always a situation of give and take. Lasting love takes compromise – including the ability to apologise when it’s needed. There are many ways to be educated. A degree is great, but it isn’t essential. Common sense, respect, courtesy and confidence will also take you far. Listen to your body, know your limitations and avoid taking on more than you can handle.
2 Things you really should worry about
Getting into debt. If you can’t afford something you want, save up or ask yourself whether you really need it. Taking care of our planet. It may seem far away, but what kind of world do you want to leave to your children and grandchildren? Spread love and be environmentally conscious.
And… 1 thing you just shouldn’t give attention to
The past and anything that is beyond your control. There’s no point in fretting over what you cannot change. By contrast, you have the ability to change the future by the way you live, right now.
What I’ve learnt
Growing up in Kwathema, Joburg, I was the only girl and the oldest of three. As a result, I was constantly in the spotlight, and expected to set the standard for my brothers, Nimrod and Msweli. This put me under pressure, but it also taught me the benefits of hard work, as my parents were loving, but tough about academic achievements.
My mother emphasised strength, independence and education, and now I’m raising my daughters, Uzile, 12, and Sesethu, seven, with the same family values.
After school, I studied industrial psychology and communications, and during my final year, I had an opportunity to temp at Bonitas Medical Fund. That’s how I got into healthcare. I’ve loved the field ever since, moving through the few departments until I found my greatest passion: working on the client services side.
2 Things I’d love you to know
No situation is permanent. There are seasons for pain and seasons ➻
“Don’t take on more than you can handle.” –Edwina Rapley, 66, retired "Change the future by the way you live your life, right now." “Get up, get dressed and show up.” – Khabo Pheza, 40, Fedhealth Account Executive "You can't love anyone else without selfacceptance."
for joy, and challenges bring your true character, so you can learn to shine. Don’t give in to self-pity. Get up, get dressed and show up!
3 Things you really should worry about
Sticking to your guns despite peer pressure. That means knowing your own strengths and flaws, and applying those so you can get ahead in your own unique way. Learning to love yourself. You can’t love anyone else without self-acceptance. Deciding to be happy. Feeling joy is a choice we can make every day.
And… 1 thing you just shouldn’t give attention to
Getting old. It’s inevitable, so embrace it gracefully. Just take care of yourself, try new things, and have fun along the way! “Don’t measure yourself against others.” – Mmabatho Tofile, 41, client liaison officer at City of Joburg
What I’ve learnt
As a child, my years of growing up were devoted to school, chores and playing on the streets of Duduza, Joburg. Life became more challenging after matric, as my parents couldn’t afford to send me to university, but luckily, my brother, Tebogo, came to my rescue and sent me to college to study tourism and hospitality management. Which enabled me to venture into opening a day spa.
My mother has always been my anchor. She taught me to identify my weaknesses and to draw on my strengths, and she took care of everyone with the little she had. Her example taught me that sacrifice and perseverance will help achieve your goals, whatever your background. My siblings also inspired me enormously in the way they handled challenges in their finances, relationships and careers.
I got married when I was 26. A year later, we lost our baby girl due to health complications, and I was diagnosed with depression. I suffered a relapse last year, and had to take anti-depressants and sleeping pills, which left me with terrible side-effects. Then, one day, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that I would not allow depression to take over my life. I tapered down the medication and turned to my family, friends and partner for support.
Now, at 40, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve grown over the years and I’m proud of the assertive, mature woman I’ve become. I don’t let things get me down, because I put God first.
3 Things I’d love you to know
Don’t measure yourself against others. Self-acceptance is key to confidence. Face your challenges head on. They can only strengthen and build your character. Let go of friends who don’t support you or celebrate your achievements. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
2 Things you really should worry about
The trust you share with your children. Keep things open, so they can talk to you about sensitive issues like drugs and sex. Your physical, emotional and mental health. If you don’t put yourself first in this regard, how will you take care of your family and your job?
And… 1 thing you should give attention to
Creating your own happiness. After all, you are the master of your own fate.
"You are the master of your future."