Self & mind Help needed. And, live in the now

Communicating what you want isn’t needy; it’s normal. But there’s a way to get your desires across.

no one wants to be called needy. It’s unfair and who doesn’t have needs? You can need more attention. You can need better sex. You can need your partner’s mother to stop emailing family recipes – you can even need her to stop emailing you altogether! But in any relationship, with friends, lovers, family or colleagues, there’s a pleasant way to ask for what you want. Make requests with tantrums and tears, and you’re hypersensitive. Make them in a calm, cool way and you’re a grown woman. Use this advice to express your desires – while also allowing for other people’s needs.

1 Figure out what you really need

Yes, some of us crave love notes and birthday extravaganzas. But, as Mick Jagger said, you can’t always get what you want. Still, if you’re feeling unsatisfied, consider what’s missing. Do you want fancy dates because you need to get into swanky spots or because you need to feel special?

2 Be honest and open

It’s key to communicate your needs with grace. I once dated a workaholic who never looked up from a computer during work, which made me feel neglected. Over a lovely dinner (a weekend, obviously), I said, “Listen, I’m totally turned on by your work ethic, but I need you to flirt with me at least once a day. Call, SMS, whatever floats your boat.” He did, with delight, and we both benefitted. That said, sometimes the answer will be no, so ask yourself which sacrifices you just can’t make. That may mean re-evaluating your needs or maybe finding satisfaction another way. And on that note…

3 Take care of yourself

Self-reliance, the ability to give yourself pleasures, answers and inner balance is a beautiful thing. Relationships enrich us in many ways, but don’t underestimate self-support. To test your self-reliance, simply try it. Work through an issue alone. (This is where long walks rule the world.) Be your own movie date. Only another person can give you that back rub, but your heart and mind are capable of taking care of so much else.