Self

… I love that he’s a great dad, but now that we have a par­ent­ing rou­tine six months af­ter her birth, I could use a lit­tle more lov­ing my­self. How can I get him to bring back the ro­mance and sex?”

Glamour (South Africa) - - Contents - – Kal­lie, 28

“My hus­band has been to­tally fo­cused on our baby. Help!”

This is a su­per-com­mon is­sue

“We hear about it a lot from women, but even for men it takes a while for sex to come back on the ta­ble af­ter a baby. Talk with your hus­band about what you both need and are avail­able for. Sex? Kiss­ing? Cud­dling? Noth­ing? Just go step-bystep. To go from noth­ing, where you prob­a­bly have been for sev­eral months, all the way to sex can be over­whelm­ing. Also, in my mind, a big date night with ex­pec­ta­tions to have sex at the end is a ter­ri­ble idea: it just adds pres­sure. Do some­thing re­lax­ing that feels re­ally au­then­tic and good.” – Lind­say Chrisler, dat­ing and re­la­tion­ship coach

Men are sim­ple

“If you want sex, tell him. Not: ‘I’d like more sex in this re­la­tion­ship.’ Get in bed and shoot him an SMS that says, ‘Sex?’ If he de­clines, make him pick a new day and time. And maybe you need to re­de­fine what con­sti­tutes sex and ro­mance now that you have a kid. If you ex­pect a car­riage ride be­fore you get busy, I can see why your hus­band might pass. But if you’re like most mar­ried cou­ples, all you need is 15 min­utes and a door that locks. Fig­ure out what works for you, but fig­ure it out to­gether.” – James Break­well, co­me­dian and writer

The first step won’t be sex

“It’ll be re­con­nect­ing as a cou­ple. Think back to be­fore the baby: what did you talk about and do? Make sure you’re hav­ing those con­vos and do­ing those ac­tiv­i­ties. There are a lot of pos­si­bil­i­ties for why he’s act­ing dif­fer­ently. See­ing the vagina dur­ing de­liv­ery can be trau­matic, or he may be fa­tigued from child care or afraid of get­ting you preg­nant again. These holdups tend to be tem­po­rary, so delve into how you’re both feel­ing, lis­ten and val­i­date – the phys­i­cal stuff fol­lows.” – Dr Katharine White, ob­ste­tri­cian-gy­nae­col­o­gist

What a great prob­lem to have!

“It’s all based in love, so try to look at this from a place of grat­i­tude: so many fa­thers strug­gle to con­nect with their ba­bies, but he doesn’t. In my ex­pe­ri­ence, the health­i­est fam­i­lies are made up of cou­ples who take care of each other and then take care of the chil­dren’s needs. But in the first year all bets are off – it’s sur­vival mode. I know that you’re feel­ing hurt and scared that things will never go back to nor­mal, but trust me, he’ll come back. You have things the baby doesn’t!” – Glen­non Doyle Mel­ton, au­thor of Love War­rior (Hod­der & Stoughton; R221)

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