talk like A PORN STAR

You have the right to…

Glamour (South Africa) - - Sex - – Nikki Glaser, come­di­enne

“Sex is in­sane. You get naked, rub up and down on some­one else. There’s sweat and grunts; your skin claps and flaps. Ab­surd. A few things help get us past how ridicu­lous all of this is: hor­mones, lust, al­co­hol, mu­sic and – my favourite – dirty talk.

“I was never good at talk­ing dur­ing sex. I’d al­ways wait un­til I was called on. Part­ner: ‘Do you like that?’ Me: ‘Mm-hm.’ Part­ner: ‘Can you roll over?’ Me: ‘Sure.’

“Back then sex was fine, but I knew it could be bet­ter. I was scared to talk dirty, though. I wor­ried I couldn’t pull it off, that I wasn’t sexy enough. Once, I worked up the courage to try a dirty line on a guy I re­ally liked. We were mak­ing out in a cab, and when it was time for me to de­but the big line I’d been pre­par­ing all week, I whis­pered, ‘I want to be in my­self so bad.’ He laughed. I tried to cor­rect my­self. ‘I mean you! I want you!’ Luck­ily he found my flub en­dear­ing and quickly let me live up to what I had re­ally in­tended.

“I knew I needed help. So, just as I did in grade nine when I wanted to learn about sex, I turned to porn. I de­cided to steal a few lines from these po­et­i­cally filthy gals. I wouldn’t go too crazy, I told my­self, just some mild ones to get me started. Soon af­ter that, I dropped a porn line on my cur­rent boyfriend. It changed ev­ery­thing. I felt an im­me­di­ate re­sponse. If you’re wor­ried this might change the way your part­ner sees you, don’t. It should only make them ap­pre­ci­ate you more. Even if you fail! You’re try­ing.

“Stray­ing out­side the norm can be scary. You feel like you’re be­tray­ing your­self. But you can still be a vol­un­teer or a dot­ing mother and talk dirty. It’s OK. You’re still a good per­son.

“To be clear, though, not all the sex you have has to be trash-talk sex. I still have get-it-done, grun­tand-moan mis­sion­ary sex more of­ten than not, but hav­ing the abil­ity to let out porn-mouth Nikki is a gift.”

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