Housemates no one can prepare you for

The hypochondriac How about the flatmate who always mistakes a hangover for meningitis? Remedy: roll the empty vodka bottle over her ‘rash’ so she realises it’s where she passed out on a sequinned cushion.

The NSFW nudist To the girl who used to parade around in a bottom-skimming T-shirt when my boyfriend was round: not cool, OK?

The homebody When you say it’s OK for your flatmate’s parents to visit and a family of five moves in for two weeks, cleaning out the fridge and playing endless Monopoly marathons. The perpetual liar If you tell whopping lies, chances are your roomies will see through it. One girl told me “My dad owns BP” (no one owns BP), and another was “fluent in French” but “forgot it” when a French lady asked us for directions.

The clothes-stealer If you notice your flatmate has put a lock on her bedroom door, take my advice and move out as soon as you can. I wish I’d known that before having a nose when one girl accidentally left her door ajar, only to discover a bed covered in items I thought I’d somehow lost (including my underwear).