Your feminist dilemmas, sorted!
We all have them, even in our most intimate relationships. But now we also have the smart women of a secret girl cult to guide us through.
“There is no right or wrong way to have sex.” – Zoe Whitney
dating and loving men has a way of unearthing little feminist dilemmas that make you wonder, at least fleetingly, how bendable your principles are. For instance: a perfect boyfriend, except when he refers to women as numbers after a couple of shots. Keep him? Ditch him? You could ask an expert with a PHD or you could hit up the very cool crowd that is GRLCVLT. This invite-only sisterly hive of 2 700 smart, feminist women, mostly in their 20s and 30s, hash out everything from cultural appropriation to inappropriate sex, in a private Facebook group and in real life. “It’s great to have access to women with different experiences,” says founder Remy Holwick, 35. “The whole idea is to talk. And when we talk, we find solutions.” Here, the women of GRLCVLT take on your questions.
1 “A while ago, after drinking, I woke up with my roommate’s guest on top of and inside me. I pushed him off and went back to sleep. I haven’t thought much about it since. Should I care more or if I can brush it off, why not?” – Thalia, 25 Déa Julien, actress You have the right to feel however you feel. But your number-one priority is self-care and feeling safe in your living situation. If you have the instinct to confront him and feel comfortable doing so, it’s important to make him understand that what he did is not
OK. It might show him he cannot continue this behaviour. Megan Moncrieff, teacher After trauma it’s not out of the ordinary to feel unshaken at first, so please consider talking to a professional even if it feels like things are fine. Over time the psychological fallout from sexual violence can manifest in anything from trust issues to physical symptoms. Victoria Carter, sales However you process this is valid and it’s nobody’s place to judge you. That said, I do want you to understand that you were raped. He entered your body without your permission. If you’ve been really honest with yourself about that, and you still feel fine, then keep on keeping on.
2 “How do I handle a loving, supportive husband who often makes insensitive, sexist remarks?” – Brit, 37 Jenn Hoffman, journalist I feel you! My partner isn’t always a woke bae. What works best is to sendhim articles about feminism, so he can educate himself without being put on the spot or getting into a fight.
Michelle Avidon, health coach
Explain why his comment is hurtful. Perhaps, “When you said this, it made me feel like you think of me this way. I know you don’t, but it brings me and other women down.” He should try to understand it from your point of view. Juliet Brett, actress I don’t see how loving and supportive can equal sexist and insensitive. With a partner who has a point of view like this, I’d imagine that issues manifest in other ways which aren’t so fun in the relationship. Would it be a game changer for you if he isn’t willing to bend?
3 “I want to date and/or sleep with a black guy. Am I fetishising black men in this way?” – Yolande, 27 Chaele Davis, pastry chef As someone who’s been on the other side of this, it doesn’t feel great to be a check on a to-do list. I can understand attraction, but if
the attraction is simply to do something different, it’s not fair to the other people in this equation. Amna Shamim, marketing consultant It depends on whether you’re looking at black men and finding them really attractive right now, or if you just want novelty. If it’s the former, then OK, but if it’s the latter, you’re fetishising them.
Victoria Carter, sales You said you wanted to “date and/or sleep with” a black dude, which are super-different goals. If you’re fine with either, sounds to me like you are collecting experiences as opposed to trying to make a genuine connection. It’s good that this raised enough of a red flag to make you question your desires but… girl, no.