Why we don’t talk about porn
With over 30% of us now watching porn every week, sex writer Gemma Askham asks what this means for sex off-screen.
so I gave my dad my laptop and when the screen came on, the porn I’d been watching was right there. Argh! I was sure I’d closed it down.” There was a time when this dialogue would only have occurred between guys. Instead, I heard it at after-work drinks when I zoned into the conversation between the two women next to us, both in their early 30s.
Should we be surprised? Because of all our shockable four-letter words – the C, the F, and the P – society still lags with one. It’s accepted that women have a C; that, heaven forbid, we like to F; but women do not look at P. Women enjoy cuddling, hand-holding and watching Poldark. But they don’t enjoy watching breasts, masturbation, anal sex and the occasional orgy.
How do we feel about watching porn? Last year, 24% of viewers of the world’s biggest porn site, Pornhub, were female. “I orgasm much quicker if I have a visual stimulus during masturbation,” admits Charlotte, 27. “People say women aren’t turned on by visuals, but everything’s visual these days. I pick men via photos on Tinder, outfits via Instagram… Of course I’m going to orgasm via photos and videos online.”
Neuroscientist Dr Nicole Prause, who studies sexual response, confirms there’s no difference between men’s and women’s biological reaction to porn. Genital arousal comes “within seconds of the start of a sex film,” she says. In brain scans, “sex-drive level, not gender, is a better predictor of response”.
So, ‘men and women get turned on by porn’ could easily be the end of the discussion. Only the way women view and experience porn is infinitely more complicated. If, privately, porn is giving us the fastest orgasms of our life (the average female Pornhub visit is less than 11 minutes), publicly, we’re grappling with denial, embarrassment and a terrifying fear of anyone using our Google Chrome.
“This is my first time admitting it, but I do watch porn sometimes,” a friend, 31, reveals when I ask why we’ve never ever discussed porn. “It’s odd to confess. Guys do it and it’s just boys being boys. But as a woman, I feel I’m doing something wrong. My instinct is to deny it.”
Proof of porn’s slut-shaming effect on women was revealed accidentally during a study which looked at how testosterone levels varied when women watched porn of their choice versus porn chosen by the researchers. The self-chosen nudies caused arousal – but, unexpectedly, also guilt and embarrassment.
This is something my friend echoed: “I’ll tell you I watch porn, but I won’t tell you what. It’s more a fantasy than what I want to really happen. It can be rough.” It’s this ‘shame gap’ between our external persona (missionary-loving heterosexual) and our fantasy persona (potentially dark) that makes 66% of female porn-watchers always do so alone. Only 3% of women regularly watch porn with a partner.
What are we OK with watching? Another big difference between what porn does to women, and what it does to men, is the female urge to rationalise or justify what we see. Is it socially acceptable? Should I really be enjoying it, even if she’s getting her hair tugged/being dominated by two men/ about to have something the size of a baguette inside her?
“If it starts to impact your ability to get aroused by your partner, or becomes obsessive or compulsive, that’s worth looking at.” – Dr Megan Fleming
Dr Ogi Ogas, a neuroscientist and co-author of A Billion Wicked Thoughts (Penguin Putnam; R253), believes this conflict leads some women to prefer male gay porn. “[Because] there are no female ‘victims’; if a man is being dominated or exploited by another man, it’s far less likely to trigger discomfort,” he explains. Contrastingly, “Straight porn is often seen as non-feminist and using women,” says Nikky, 25. “It makes you uncomfortable.”
It’s this needing permission to enjoy porn that made erotic director Angie Rowntree set up sssh.com. It’s a collection of female-friendly videos, which doesn’t mean scented candles and a sexy pizza delivery boy (though pizza does do it for us, too). But rather: “Women and men as equals, with everyone experiencing pleasure.” What’s unique is that all content is made from viewers’ requests of scenarios they want to see.
Currently, over 30 000 women have contributed. “It’s almost like affirmation for women to know another woman asked for it. Something about that seems to make [viewing] it OK,” she adds.
How does porn make us feel? Interestingly, in this violation-free context, heterosexual scenarios come out top. Heterosexual porn’s ‘abnormal’ visuals have long been criticised for giving men unrealistic expectations and women a body complex. As Violet Blue, author of The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (Cleis Press; R564), explained: “Porn performers get cosmetic surgery literally (and sometimes frightfully) from head to toe. They have makeup in places you’d be surprised makeup can be applied, they shave and wax everything imaginable, and they’re weirdly flexible. They occupy a tiny end of the gene pool.”
But Dr Prause thinks we’re simply not falling for mainstream porn’s body expectations any more. “In earlier studies,
women used to report that seeing erotic films made them feel worse about their bodies, but modern women recognise these films for what they are: fantasy. Data shows the ‘inadequate body’ effect diminishing or absent, and that viewing sex films actually increases women’s sexual desire for their partner.”
Anila, 27, agrees: “I’ll watch porn, usually women undressing and
/ Porn positive
touching themselves if I’m feeling horny and have my phone beside my bed, but my vibrator’s in a drawer. It satisfies me at the time but I definitely think about sex more afterwards. It makes me less shy. I’m more likely to initiate sex if I see my boyfriend that night.”
What about addiction? Addiction is a word that’s as synonymous with porn as fake breasts. Should we be worried about our viewing habits? In a study on 102 women under 30, half who used porn and half who didn’t, the pornviewers did report more cravings for sex
“It’s almost like affirmation for women to know another woman asked for the content. Something about that seems to make it OK.” – Angie Rowntree
and porn – a similar pattern to men.
However, those with this so-called cybersex ‘addiction’ were no more likely than the non-watchers to have high numbers of sexual partners or to feel unsatisfied with sex in real life.
So is scaremongering at play? “In 15 years, I haven’t yet worked with a woman who felt that watching porn had become an addiction, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t women suffering in silence. If it starts to impact your ability to get aroused by your partner, or becomes obsessive or compulsive, that’s worth looking at,” advises Dr Megan Fleming, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist.
According to Dr Prause, there’s a current culture of ‘porn panic’, where we’ve escalated porn into a horrendous, scary thing for women that’s going to force us into crazed orgies. “Studies show that the activities people view in sex images are more likely to become part of their repertoire over time” – anal sex being one example. Dr Prause also believes women touching their clitoris during intercourse stems from porn. An action that’s now, gleefully, widespread. Which makes me wonder: have we lost sight of the fact that porn’s effect on women could actually be no different to a sex toy or a hand slipped in our pants? It’s a tool; only one we’ve been told we can’t possibly operate.
Online erotica has been the greatest boon for females since the birthcontrol pill,” says Dr Ogas. “What we’ve seen is once women obtained online freedom, they created their own universe of erotic content – fan fiction, erotic romance, ebooks, female-directed porn.”
Put shame aside Back at drinks, having eavesdropped on the woman next to me’s accidental porn flash to her dad, I decide to do that awkward thing of admitting I’ve been listening. I explain that I couldn’t help but overhear (OK, I was listening like
a hawk, but never mind), and that I’m writing about women and porn, and was impressed with her openness. “I wasn’t open about admitting I watched porn when I was younger – even though, you know, I did watch porn,” she admits. “But I’m definitely not ashamed to say I watch it now. Why should I or anyone else be embarrassed about a perfectly normal behaviour?”