Sex “I had a threesome with two guys.”

… a while ago, and when I told the new person I was seeing, he abruptly ended things. He said he just wouldn’t be able to get over it, and it was a huge turnoff for him. I’m still sore about it. Moving forward, should I keep this fact from other guys?” –

You shouldn’t hide sexual experiences from a partner

“But what you choose to tell a partner is all about your comfort level – it’s no one’s business but your own. And remember: it was really his baggage that caused the split, not yours. Too often women are made to feel like their moral worth is tied to their sexual history. Someone who thinks that one – or more than one! – sexual experience makes you less desirable may have questionable views on women and gender roles more broadly. I have real reservations about anyone who would find a threesome so noxious as to use it to justify a breakup.” – Jessica Valenti, author of Sex Object: A memoir (Harpercollins; R198)

Don’t put your whole history out there

“It’s just not necessary. But if you do disclose, clarify the context. ‘I’m into group sex and do it regularly’ and ‘I was curious and tried things out’ have very different implications. I’ve found that for people to be sexually compatible, it doesn’t matter if their turn-ons and turnoffs are the same. Just make sure your core values align.” – Dr Kristen Mark, relationship and sex researcher

Don’t cover up your past

“It’s not a good way to begin the relationship. If someone says they’re turned off by something consensual you did, ask why. If it’s coming from a place of insecurity or judgment, press them on that. People often don’t realise where turnoffs come from or lack self-awareness of their feelings. To make the relationship work, he’d have to unpack why he’s so uncomfortable and accept you as you are. The onus isn’t on you to convince him to do that.” – Laci Green, host of Youtube show Sex+

Disclose your secrets only when you’re ready to

Most guys don’t flat-out end things after hearing their partner’s sexual history, especially at an appropriate time in the relationship. But if the idea of you with two guys was too much for him to handle, that says more about his insecurity with his masculinity than about you. Going forward, if it feels like the time to say something, say something. This sounds like an isolated case of a sexually unevolved dude. Upward and onward!” – Neel Shah, writer and magazine columnist