Self How to say “no” and keep your friends

Bankrupt and exhausted from every dinner, drink and wedding? Let writer Jo Hoare help you.

last year, I did a most socially unacceptable thing: I refused to attend a good friend’s wedding. But hear me out. When an invitation to an exotic island landed on my doormat, I couldn’t afford it. And, after coming out of a five-year relationship, I just didn’t want to face it. I felt sick at the thought of telling her, but I explained my reasons, and asked her to join me for a special dinner instead, and she was totally fine.

According to life coach Jo O’connor, my approach was right. “We remember the end of conversations more than the start, so ending on a positive, like a thoughtful gesture, softens the blow and ensures that the lasting impression isn’t negative.”

It isn’t just exotic weddings or pricy baby showers that stress out our schedules and us. According to research, millennials have a hard time saying no to social invitations, leaving us over-committed, over-spent and frazzled. But if I can dish out a controversial RSVP and still keep my friend, there must be a rational way to balance panic-inducing everyday invitations. So I asked the experts. The weekly office get-together Hanging out with co-workers can make for a happier office. But sometimes we’re just too tired. How to cancel Liz from marketing’s birthday drinks? “You don’t need to explain,” says Hans Schumann, career coach. “But remember: making an effort to bond can strengthen professional relationships and show you’re keen, especially if you’re new to the company.” Not feeling it? Set a target of two monthly social work events, so you can budget and build rapport, while allowing for downtime.

The hopeless date Dating can be exciting, but it’s time-consuming, especially if it’s with no-chem Ken. Says Amanda, 26: “I went on two reluctant dates with a guy while wondering how to end it.” Sound familiar? Next time, fess up, and explain that it won’t work because of you, so they don’t feel criticised.

Too busy to jump back on the Tinder wagon? Relationship coach India Kang says: “Instead of checking dating apps every day before bed, block out 20 minutes three days a week. It won’t feel like a hassle, and you can enjoy dating again.” The not-solittle favour We’d do anything for friends, but what if they need help during a manic week? “Can you drive me to the airport?”; “Will you come to this work event I organised?”

India’s advice: we shouldn’t be afraid to let friends down sometimes. “Agreeing to something you can’t or don’t want to do can cause added stress and resentment,” she says. “Be specific, and hold your ground; you’re doing this for your sanity. So: ‘I wish I could, but…’ with a legit reason for your unavailability – ‘I have a work project to finish,’ instead of a flaky, ‘I’m too busy.’”