DEEPER AND REAL ER–PEOPLE YOU KNOW, STORIES YOU DON’ T.

Footballers are known for their roving eye and this month’s Secret Footballer, who was quite the finisher in his day, couldn’t help but dish the dirt on one of his former teammates at former Premier Soccer League champions and now defunct Manning Rangers. You would not imagine some of the stuff that went down behind the scenes … Eishmadoda …

The Christian side of me was still strong while I was playing football and battling the temptations thereof. They used to call me “Mfundisi” (Pastor) or “Mshumayeli” (Preacher). At Manning Rangers though, we hardly ever used to go to camp just before the game. We would stay at an apartment, nearby the stadium. Some of us would stay with a teammate, one of our teammates that we knew well. People used to sneak out of this apartment before games sometimes to go out partying. This one teammate of mine had this special place reserved at a nightclub and everybody expected to see him there as he was a frequent visitor. He came back just before midnight, even though we were playing the next day. He brought along two women, then woke me up and said: “I brought you this lady, and I will have the other one.” Then I said, “But we are going to play a match tomorrow.” He didn’t respond and just ignored me. He then took the other lady and brought her to my bed. My apartment had a bunk bed where one person could sleep on top and the other could sleep at the bottom. I then said, “Lady, I’m focused on the game tomorrow, so you can either sleep on the bed at the bottom or choose the one at the top”. “There is nothing I’m going to do with you,” I told her. “It is nice to meet you, I know you came with your friend, but I just wish you had come at the right time when we were not going to play a game ... we would have had an exciting time tonight.” My roommate on the other side had an “anaconda”, you know [laughs]. That would not have been a problem for any of us, but when you go to the main bathroom, you find that it’s close to his room. It happened that I was in the main bathroom, but I could see inside his bedroom because he didn’t close the window. From the bathroom, I could see what was happening in his bedroom. He was busy trying to maneuver the woman but it was not happening because of the anaconda [laughs hysterically]. I saw him trying to use Vaseline to soften up the anaconda. I was standing there and could see all that was happening because he didn’t switch off the light. I continued watching, stunned. And the Xhosa lady said, “Ubufunundibulala? (Are you trying to kill me)? What is wrong with you?” I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. Tears poured from my eyes as I just couldn’t stop laughing. My teammate ended up giving up, leaving him frustrated. The lady was screaming as she was afraid of what he was busy trying, so he ended up giving up. From where I was standing, I saw he wanted to come out as he couldn’t take it anymore. The lady asked for water because she was thirsty, and I quickly snuck out and went back to my bedroom before they saw me. My teammate had asked the girls to leave early in the morning before the coach comes. Gordon Igesund was our coach and normally Dillon Sheppard’s father, Douglas, usually came in the morning to check on the players and see if everybody was fine and if anyone had brought girls into the bachelor pad. Lo and behold, Douglas arrived just before the girls could sneak out of the apartment. He chased those girls out at around 5am. Later, I pretended as if I was asleep the entire night and hadn’t seen what happened. As I went to the lounge, I found my teammate sitting there and I asked him, “so how did it go last night?” “Ngibonaukuthiukhathele uzosidlisanamhlanje (I see like you are tired and you will cost us today),” I said, rhetorically. Then he said to me: “Hey mfundisinginenkinga (I have a problem here).” “What is it?” “This anaconda ayifuniukusebenza (It doesn’t want to work).” I laughed even more. It was one of the funniest moments we experienced when we were players back in the day.

“I BROUGHT YOU THIS LADY, AND I WILL HAVE THE OTHER ONE.”