Gather ye rosebuds while ye may
Women, celebrate achievements besides those of marrying and having babies
Now your lonely is somebody else’s. Made by somebody else and handed to you. Ain’t that something? A secondhand lonely.” — Toni Morrison, are not an aside in my quest to get a man. They are a necessary and celebration-worthy part of who I am because there is more to my life than taking a name or recognising my own nose in another’s face.
There is more to a woman’s identity than whether or not she’s partnered or has a child. Surely there are other milestones women can celebrate that are not a bridal shower, hen or push party? There’s nothing wrong with these events but why are they the only ones of great importance?
Imagine if, like Bennett, women created their own “feminist wedding” — celebrating milestones like buying your first car, realising an entrepreneurial dream, renting your first apartment or buying your first home. These are milestones worthy of celebration and yet, when some women attain them, somewhere in the congratulations is a question about when they’re going to finally “settle down”.
What is more important at any time in a woman’s life is knowledge of self, not a half-baked idea of what womanhood is in relation to sleeping next to a warm body or a baby on her hip. A want instead of a need for companionship is a far healthier pursuit: I want to live, not show how much of a “good” life I have, even if it appears lonely to the outside world. That, at least, would be a “loneliness” of my own and of my own making, not the one dictated by other people.
Our traditional markers of adulthood are woefully lacking — like the woman who gingerly asks if there’ll be single men at your event. Don’t get it twisted: love is a beautiful thing — but not when it’s foisted on me to prove my worth.