You have to love the beauty of arranged marriages

LL ONE has to do is look up the family tree and you’re bound to find sufficient evidence of arranged marriages being successful.

Many of our parents, grandparents and greatgrandparents have had arranged marriages, which seem to have stood the test of time.

Flip through the pages of POST and you will read the success story of a couple who have recently celebrated a 50th wedding anniversary.

Some of the foremost questions that arise in our minds are: What are the key ingredients in these successful arranged marriages?

Can arranged marriages work in the modern age? What factors should families bear in mind before considering arranged marriages? Why have they worked in the past?

One of the primary reasons why they worked in the past is because it was the only option.

Out of respect for their elders, they trusted their choice of marriage partner, thus increasing their faith in the success of the union.

When one feels positive about something, they are more likely to contribute positively, thus leading to a better outcome.

Furthermore, if a couple does not know each other well before marriage, their expectations of each other are not as high as couples who choose their own partners and enjoy a long courtship before marriage. And, as we know, fewer expectations lead to fewer disappointments.

Parents were also more likely to choose a partner with a similar social background and from a family they got along with.

The fact that families got along meant one was more readily accepted by their in-laws, which is always beneficial.

It is also easier to adapt to a family that is similar to your own.

In the past, divorce was not an easy option and couples were determined to make their marriage work.

This does not mean all arranged marriages that lasted a long time were happy.

Many couples remained in unhappy arranged marriages for various reasons.

One of the primary ones was that, in the past, it was not common for women to work and because she was dependent on her husband, felt compelled to remain in a marriage where she might have been abused, cheated on and so on.

Others stayed for the sake of the children or because they did not want to disappoint their parents.

Can arranged marriages work in the modern age?

This depends on various factors.

The most important is whether the couple is amenable to an arranged marriage.

While some think of it as being old-fashioned, there are a few examples of modernday arranged marriages that seem to be successful – Shahid Kapoor and Mira Rajput, Aishwarya (daughter of Rajnikanth) and Dhanush, Vivek Oberoi and Priyanka Alva, Madhuri Dixit and Sriram Nene as well as cricketers Suresh Raina and Priyanka Chaudhary and Rahul Dravid and Vijeta Pendharkar.

Another important factor to consider is what exactly one means by “arranged”.

Merely introducing a potential partner without any pressure is a much healthier option, which may work for all parties.

On the one hand, it may assist a young man or woman, who has struggled to meet someone suitable.

On the other, it gives the family an opportunity to identify someone they think may be suitable, if they have your best interests at heart.

Arranged marriages will never work in circumstances where they feel forced, or worse, where there is an existing romantic relationship that is sacrificed.

Even if the arranged marriage has the potential to work, the fact that a sacrifice was made and that it was forced may jeopardise the chances of success.

Another concern about arranged marriages, however, is that if it doesn’t work for some reason, it gives the couple someone to blame for the failure of the marriage, instead of looking

at their own contribution. What to consider before arranging a marriage:

The most important factor is to be sure of whether the person whose marriage you would like to arrange actually wants an arranged marriage.

If that is the case, keep their best interests in mind at all times.

Get to know what type of partner they feel would be most suited.

Do not impose your choice on them.

Allow them time to get to know each other before deciding whether they are happy to proceed with a lifelong commitment.

Avoid choosing a partner for your child based on the needs of the family or business – other factors change, but the couple have to be happy together.

Some families arrange marriages of convenience so business partnerships can be entered into, without considering the long-term happiness of the couple.

Others may arrange a marriage to someone, who can fulfil a specific role (for example, nurse an ill parent or marry a widower just to take care of the children).

Everyone should have the right to choose their marriage partner or request assistance in seeking a suitable partner – but this should never be imposed.

Parents should also not make their children feel guilty about their choices.

At times parents may be unhappy with their children’s choice of partners for various reasons (justifiable or not).

The best you can do is explain your concern to your child in a way that they understand, but also in a manner that does not damage your relationship.

Marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment between two people, so in whichever way they may unite (free will or arranged) the goal is for a happy, trustworthy and mutuallysatisfying union.

Rakhi Beekrum is a counselling psychologist. THERE are two things that Mohamed Abdool Hakim believes made his marriage last for six decades.

The first – he trusted his mother’s advice when she told him he should marry Miriam Adam.

The second – for the next 60 years of marriage he never once doubted her loyalty.

“I gave my wife her freedom. We trust each other and the 60 years have been great,” he said.

Mohamed, 81 said he was introduced to Miriam during his sister’s proposal.

“My sister was set to marry Miriam’s brother when the families decided Miriam and I would be perfect for each other.

“In those days we trusted our families’ choice. Look at love marriages – they don’t work,” he said. “Look at how happy we are.”

The Newlands West couple tied the knot in a double wedding celebration at Alpine Road Mosque on December 29, 1957. About 1 000 people attended, feasting on mutton breyani.

The couple have a big family – six children, 20 grandchildren and 10 greatgrandchildren.

“It’s wonderful to have a big family,” said Mohamed. He and Miriam celebrated their diamond anniversary at home with their immediate family in December.

Mohamed worked for various companies over the years, and spent the last seven years of his working life as a bookkeeper for a Reservoir Hills firm.

Miriam, 76, was a housewife and cared for their children. She now attends adult classes to finally finish her schooling.

The couple completed holy Hajj pilgrimage in 2009 and Umrar in 2011.

In retirement Mohamed does bookkeeping from home and is a member of the Blind and Deaf Society. He enjoys gardening and maintenance work around his home.

Miriam keeps busy with housework and watching Indian serials.

Celebrating 50+ years of marriage? E-mail post@inl. co.za.