The Sona you will not hear…
The nation holds its breath as President Jacob Zuma prepares to deliver his State of the Nation address tomorrow
HUMBLE greetings from me and the Msholozi clan to fifty five thousand million hundred… bayazi Angikwazi ukubala… Bayazi angikwazi ukubala nokufunda izinombolo… yizo izinsizwa zakwaGupta lezi ezingibalelayo. Zikwenza lokho ngisho zile eDubai.
Bayazi futhi ukuthi uma amaGupta la kukhona okuwaxakile, ayangibala kulabo acela kubo usizo (They know that I cannot count… the Guptas count for me in Dubai and know that they can count on me). I am abandoning my prepared speech – after going through the various edits by ANC structures, and trying to please every Khumalo, Khosa and Kwanele – it sounds more like Greek.
Today I will speak from my heart and bare my soul. Yes, I do have one, regardless of what smart-ass columnists like Brij Maharaj might write. I heard that even Kathy (Ismail Kathrada) is a great fan of his column. It is incredible that highly paid ANC officials like Ravi Pillay and Kiru Naidoo do not use Shaka Sisulu war room strategies to debunk Maharaj’s attacks on the honest government.
Anyway I digress… I know that many of you inside (that hurts) and outside the ANC are gleefully predicting my premature exit or disappearance from this podium, or my final departure from this earthly abode. I have news for you.
This morning I visited my sangoma (who had predicted the names of my wives – Meenakshi has not arrived yet, but I think she is a forthcoming attraction, and who also identifies auspicious dates for my nocturnal roster, which is much like a Lotto draw, and you wish you can influence that outcome), who prophesised that a Zuma will continue to present the State of the Nation Address for the next 12 years.
Since I am secular and committed to non-racism and multiculturalism, I also considered consulting pundits (but their tariffs are too high), maulana (but they seem to be accompanied by surgeons), and pastors (but they seem to be harbingers of doom).
I greet my friends in this audience, especially Roy and Vivien who compete fiercely for my affections, although they know that I am not that way inclined.
I also acknowledge my friend Shabir at home (I hope that his parole conditions did not preclude him from watching TV). Glad to know that you are alive and no longer in prison (I have been there and the naysayers predict that I will return. That will be the day!). Sadly, the DA express astonishment that you are not dead. It is clear that the DA is a party for the dead. However, I am confident that the ancestors will not vote for the DA.
On behalf of this august house, and in the spirit of collegiality, I extend good wishes to my former prodigy, Julius, (who was once prepared to die or kill for me), for his examinations. He has made an amazing comeback from the era when he had a G symbol for woodwork. Based on his unblemished postgraduate academic record, I am pleased to announce that the government has decided to award the honourable Julius Malema a National Student Financial Aid Scheme bursary for life. (Let him cause havoc in universities, rather than disrupt Parliament.)
The ANC government recognises that 2017 is also a century since the abolishment of the abhorrent practice of indenture (without which there would be no Indians in SA). Sadly, some in the majority community believe Indians should receive new indenture contracts. (No, it is not Jimmy Manyi, who knows that without the generous donations from Indians, the ANC will be bankrupt.)
While I am addicted to their curries (and pickles that come from the shebeen that Brian Molefe visited in Saxonworld), Indians are a difficult bunch to please. If the Hindis and Tamils are not fighting, then attempts to import the politics of India into SA by the RSS has the potential to ignite conflict between the Hindus, Muslims and Christians, and undermine the social cohesion agenda of the government. All this from the land of Gandhi and non-violence!
Factor in the NRI’s (Non-resident Indian) caste prejudices and their attempts to equate Africans with negative characters from Hindu scriptures, and you have a toxic concoction brewing. I hope that the Maha Sabha is able to resolve these challenges.
Many ANC veterans are upset about what they perceive to be my targeting of my old comrade Pravin Gordhan. This cannot be further from the truth. Pravin and I served in the trenches together, and during the risky “Operation Vula” were closer than brothers. The problem with Pravin is that he puts the nation above the president. But it is not clear whether that nation is Gujerati or Jewish. Why the prejudice against the nation of UP (Uttar Pradesh)?
During my reign there were acrimonious debates about what influenced my governing style, and today I will provide some insight. You know that I am a shrewd chess player. (I think the Indians call it shatranj). So, like on a chess board, I redeploy my pawns (others call them puppets) at all levels of the government, parastatals, boardrooms and so on. They are my eyes and ears. Off course, some like Hlaudi Motsoeneng, tend to be over exuberant, but with honourable intentions. Sadly, Vincent Smith and Yunus Carrim appear to have crossed the floor.
Even when analysts think that I am in the dark, and my enemies are plotting against me, the reins are firmly in my hands. Parliament, the constitution, the judiciary and democracy are all hangovers of the colonial era, foreign to the African soil. I rule as a traditional African leader. The ultimate purpose of pawns are to protect the queen (now you will understand why I have five, with the prospect of the sixth returning to the fold).
I guess that no discussion about my presidency would be complete without reference to Nkandla, my rural homestead. The judiciary and former public protector were in cahoots with the DA to rule against me. I have been criticised by black professionals for using advocate Jeremy Gauntlett, SC, to represent me at the Constitutional Court hearings over the findings of Thuli Madonsela.
My decision to use Gauntlett was based on the logic that Chief Justice Mogoeng would recoil when my gauntlet was thrown at him (you know how black judges cower before white lawyers in their courts). This strategy miscued spectacularly when Mogoeng revealed that he was no moegoe, and Gauntlett conceded.
I want to make amends to the public and to clear my slate. Therefore, I have decided to donate Nkandla to the government to establish a rural university. The only precondition is that it must be called the Jacob Zuma University and the different facilities (lecture halls, laboratories and so on) must be named after my children. I can assure you that there will be no shortage of children – sorry, I mean names.
In closing, politics is a fickle game. Yesterday’s heroes are today’s villains, and I have experienced the entire gamut.
The moods of rating agencies vacillate much like that of women, and you will agree that I am an authority on the latter. Some US agency polled Americans about whether they would prefer Trump or me as president. The overwhelming response was anyone but Trump.
So there is hope beyond 2019. I thank you, Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma