Depression: the key is tackling it head on
HROUGHOUT my adult life, depression was a constant. I had a series of very bad life situations that made me feel helpless and hopeless.
That sadness was the white noise in the background of my life. I was so used to hearing it, that I lived by its rhythm.
Three years ago, it took a turn for the worst.
I got divorced for the second time, faced single-parenting with two children, lost everything financially, was betrayed in the worst possible way, and the decades of trauma that I refused to face all caught up with me, pushed me over the edge and hit me like a tsunami.
Death became my pervasive thought every single day, when the simple task of getting out of bed became overwhelmingly hard.
I planned the suicide carefully, wrote letters to my children asking for forgiveness and on that cold June night in 2014, I left work and got into my car with the intention of driving off a bridge.
I wanted to make the suicide foolproof. I knew it was not a cry for help, I was done with life and life was done with me.
I’ve never been religious, but that night my spirituality happened by osmosis.
Through what can only be described as divine dispensation, I ended up at home instead of in a mangled heap somewhere.
I have no recollection of how I drove home or why I never executed my plan. It was a complete out-of-body experience.
Many people would attribute this to God and get some divine revelation. However, I never did.
The next day, my intention was the same. However, life had other plans for me.
My manager at work, whom I’ve never been particularly close to, saw my pain and decided to step up and confront me about it. She was brave enough.
That single act of courage changed my life forever. She insisted that I attend a workshop on personal development and put me on that workshop the next day.
Through two very special men who run a company called The Soar Institute, I was finally able to face my demons head on, with a method that worked for me.
Cognitive therapy never helped me and I was never a fan of medication.
Love and kindness was the only thing that got to the real source of my depression. It changed my life forever.
Life happens to all of us. No one is spared from suffering, and the degree of pain we experience is something that is very subjective and relative.
It cannot be measured from person to person. We are raised to believe that it’s a sign of weakness to be depressed and it’s something that can be overcome by “pulling yourself together”.
Every six seconds, someone in the world dies from suicide.
Clearly, pulling ourselves together is not how a disease gets cured. Anyone who has ever suffered from depression will know that it’s not something we can dismiss with the wave of a hand.
Through my experience, I’ve learnt that truth is a boomerang. Being vocal about my journey makes me feel connected to those people who share the same feelings.
Generation after generation, our stories are all different threads of one tapestry.
As a collective humanity, we are all intrinsically the same, yet we choose to be in judgement of others rather than compassionate.
The truth comes out one way or the other. If not authentically, then through alcohol or drug addiction, food disorders, sex or any other form of anaesthetising agents.
All of these addictions serve to suppress pain. Rather than getting to the root of the evil, people choose to hide or mask it.
Depression is a disease, much like cancer or diabetes, and needs to be regarded with the same seriousness.
The choice of therapy boils down to personal preference; however, the recognition, compassion and honest conversations are the catalyst for recovery.
People suffering from depression need to have a safe space within which to share their pain; without judgement, condescension, guilt or shame.
The mindset needed to shift that depression is something that can be controlled and something taboo.
We are extremely fixated with the “what would people think” mentality, and that mentality is the reason we end up burying people we love.
I’ve been lucky. I got a second chance at life.
My depression and life experiences were the greatest gift to me because they have given me such an appreciation for being alive.
Life is hard and living takes courage.
We need to live authentically and become the purveyors of truth in our own lives, giving other people permission to do the same in theirs.
I own my depression proudly, knowing that mine has become a redemption story.
Tivania Moodley is a Johannesburg-based specialist business writer, copy editor, aspiring author and a
single mom of two