Doing penance with castor oil
Many uses for this wonder product
A STRONG dose of castor oil is my just punishment. Angry feedback from readers tells me that putting my foot in my mouth is not funny at all.
Everywhere I have upset folks by telling stories I should be careful with. I am deeply sorry. A terrible pain in my belly has ailed me ever since. I have been doing penance for almost a month.
Waking early on Sunday, I scoured the medicine cupboard. There was every possible medicine from big pharma except the one home remedy from my childhood guaranteed to cure all pains in both body and mind. Like an alcoholic at the liquor store, I waited eagerly for the opening of my local supermarket.
Alas, there was no castor oil on the shelves. The manager says it a slow mover. It seems that the high society are now taking all manner of boxed, branded laxatives.
I wish they knew how quickly that oil created motions when we were children. A ready supply of castor oil was found everywhere. From holy lamps at shrines to clay ones to light the kitchen when the lights were cut, we used it all the time. Castor oil sales spiked at the start of the school holidays.
In the worst type of project management in the Indian household, all the children were lined up for a hefty dose on the same day. Mostly there was one toilet so one can imagine the chaos.
Granny would have the tablespoon in hand and pinch the nose as she shoved it down the throat.
Before our Bill of Rights was written, one hand was also used to klap conscientious objectors to castor oil. Then came hot, sweet black tea to kill the smell of the vile burp as the intestines were lubricated. Nowadays, my ayurvedic doctor politely calls it a “purge”.
My castor oil goes into a Waterford crystal glass of freshly squeezed navel oranges. It has the same effect as the tablespoon and black tea. Not only is the dose good for the insides, it has a powerful effect on the skin and hair too. My uncle Morris, the one-time goalkeeper and later manager of Clydes in Magazine Barracks, had a thick shiny mane of black hair right into middle age.
That was thanks to his daily castor oil treatment. The soon-tobe mother of my children, Kim Kardashian, uses the same method on her beautiful locks.
As I head towards my Sassa pension card, all kinds of physical ailments are showing up. I have it on good authority that a little daily dose of castor oil will keep my rheumatoid arthritis at bay.
Just the other day, I felt like a proper sage when a young mother handed me a crying baby with stomach cramps. A drop of castor oil from the lamp gently massaged into the baby’s navel had him cooing in no time.
There is another boyfriendless friend who uses it as a skin moisturiser. I have tried recommending the sparkly Chanel tube but she will not hear of it. Her beautiful skin and acne-free face will outlive a boyfriend any day. The next time you remark on my weight loss and glowing skin, take comfort that I have been going through all the motions taught by my dear granny.
● Naidoo relishes a light-hearted take on the home remedies of his interesting childhood.