No rivalry for love, your roles are different

I APPLAUD the person behind the “Open letter to all mothers-in-law”, published in POST, June 7-11, for bringing this topic out in public.

For far too long women have been bearing the pain and sadness created by their in-laws and husbands.

As much as this article is to create awareness, there are mothers-in-law who don’t realise the consequences of their behaviour.

Sons cannot see past their mothers and are too afraid to go against them.

Neither of them will take responsibility and will be all too quick to blame the wife.

I think the next step is to publish a list of scenarios and offer a solution for the guilty mothers-in-law and husbands.

Mothers-in-law forget their sons have wives, children and a new home to run but instead force their “wants”. Is this fair? I doubt it. Can a mother be proud of her son if she doesn’t allow him to be a man of his own for his wife and children? To list a few scenarios with

solutions: 1. Mothers-in-law who dictate to their sons on taking them to places.

Solution: Sons and their wives must be jointly consulted to identify needs versus wants and how to fit it into their schedule.

2. Mothers-in-law who pass on religious practices to their sons and force on the matter.

Solution: The decision needs to be a joint one between the couple.

3. The sons will be asked for money for unnecessary things and in most cases a value is mentioned.

Solution: Never ask if you don’t understand the financial situation of your son and his wife.

4. The in-laws have big functions and push responsibilities on to the daughters-in-law.

Solution: If the in-laws cannot perform the manual work themselves, then the function should be a small one. Daughters-in-law are not slaves.

5. Mothers-in-law expect their sons to attend every family function irrespective of its importance and impact to the couple’s schedule.

Solution: Allow the son and his wife to kindly decline invites – allow them to decide what’s important.

6. Mothers-in-law expect their sons to go to the same church or temple.

Solution: Allow the freedom of choice.

And to the sons, it’s time to advise mothers. Don’t choose between mother and wife. Manage situations properly. Every day is a learning experience, so help your family to understand your new life and responsibilities.

Remember mothers-in-law, who boss their sons, are sinning and the same applies to sons, who entertain it.

This means they have failed in their roles in allowing a man to be leader of his home or family. I hope mothers-in-law rectify their behaviour.

ANONYMOUS THE mother and daughter-in-law conflict in Indian families has transcended many generations.

While this does not hold true for every mother and daughterin-law (some are blessed with an amazing relationship), it is a phenomenon I often encounter in couples therapy.

The key to any successful relationship is reciprocity – both parties contributing towards a cordial, happy relationship.

The same goes for mothers and daughtersin-law.

If only one party tries (regardless of how hard they try) the relationship is unlikely to be a happy one.

The number one rule to bear in mind that because your roles are different, there can be no competition for love or attention from the son-husband.

A wife cannot replace her husband’s mother, nor can the mother take the place of the wife. If everyone understands their roles, the chances of conflict are reduced.

When a couple gets married, they embark on a new phase in their lives. This means that some degree of independence from their families of origin is necessary to start their new families with their own rules.

This does not mean forgetting your family of origin or leaving them out of your lives.

Part of becoming an adult is making independent decisions ( jointly with your spouse when married).

There has to be something that differentiates the unmarried from the married, and this is where some struggle.

When you marry, your spouse should be a priority and your behaviour should reflect this.

Husband and wife need to make their role expectations clear and communicate with each other if they are unhappy about something.

The stronger the marital relationship, the lower the chances of in-law conflict.

I advise couples to invest their energy in strengthening their marriage, rather than focusing on the actions of others. We cannot change others; so complaining to your husband about his mother is unlikely to strengthen your bond. Rather discuss your feelings in a constructive manner, so there is room for problem-solving.

It is unrealistic and unfair to expect him to leave her out all the time, but discuss a more amicable solution.

We need to show understanding to our spouse before attempting to compromise on a more reasonable option.

This may at times cause the mother-inlaw to be unhappy (and sometimes blame the daughter-in-law as this change only occurred since marriage).

However, once the husband and wife have goals that are aligned, it becomes easier to make beneficial changes.

If mothers treated daughters-in-law as they do their own daughters and vice versa, things would be easier as each will look out for the best interest of the other.

However, everyone has their own personality and some personality types are more difficult to contend with.

A mother who has always been dominant and hindered the independence of her children, may find it difficult to cope when her domination is threatened.

Or a daughter-in-law who has not grown up in a close family may find it difficult to integrate into a family who is very close.

What’s the best way to bridge the divide?

Premarital therapy is useful for couples to discuss their ideas of marriage and deal with any possible conflicts even before they marry.

Parents should teach good values to their children, which will help them make good life choices.

Parents need to understand that there will come a time when their children will have to “fly the nest” and this is meant to be a positive life transition.

Instead of focusing on “losing your children”, focus on welcoming a new child into your home and helping them adjust.

Sons-husbands, who are often caught in a tugof-war, need to understand there is enough room for a mother and a wife.

Couples need to communicate their feelings, expectations and needs and to work as a team in making important life decisions.

If things become unbearable, couples counselling is an option to help you negotiate healthy boundaries and roles before heading for divorce. RAKHI BEEKRUM Counselling Psychologist