The scourge of violence against women

AFEW years ago, I was returning from a business trip on a domestic airline and sat next to an elegantly dressed white woman, who shared her story of abuse with me.

Perhaps it was my smile that struck a chord in her or she just needed someone to talk to.

Her story was one I had heard many times before.

She endured 17 long years of physical, verbal and emotional abuse until she found the courage to seek help, not before she was beaten so badly that she had to be hospitalised.

Her husband was a wellknown businessman in the Western Cape.

Violence against women has no exclusions.

It happens even in the so-called elite society where businessmen change like chameleons behind closed doors to become perpetrators behind the suit and suave smile.

And the victim feels they have no alternatives. They cannot walk out of this hell.

The recent spate of violent crimes against women and children is not a new phenomenon.

Women, especially, have always been the number one soft target for any form of violence.

This has been happening since time immemorial.

We have seen this animal called “violence” growing up in our communities.

Even as a child, you would be aware that a member of the family or neighbour was being abused physically or emotionally and yet we stayed quiet.

Sort of like “what happened in the family, stayed in the family”.

Not a single family member, neighbour or friend spoke out.

What was even worse was the women on women violence.

Where mother-in-laws, sister in-laws and other family members encouraged this pattern by their own actions in either supporting the perpetrator or fuelling the fire of rage by their own opinions and poison. While the victim continued accepting this treatment as her lot in life, not having the courage or confidence to challenge the status quo.

Victim blaming, poverty, especially if the breadwinner is the perpetrator, and shame held families and communities to ransom with communities and families increasing the stigma around reporting of genderbased violence.

Silence became the enabler and violence against women continued in most homes and communities intergenerationally.

In many cultures, violence and wife or women abuse is addressed within the family, and the head of the family, invariably a man, gets to decide the outcome for the women.

It is so hypocritical that families ban you if you are nonconforming, for example, gay – but if you are a perpetrator of violent crime it is acceptable.

We have to look at the age old ways of how men were treated as king of the castle and this has permeated through generations and still persists in most cultures.

The women is the servant or lower of the species and therefore her opinion hold no value.

Gender equality is a foreign concept in these circumstances.

It is all about power and control.

When we look at family dynamics, we look at the interrelationships that prevail and how this dynamics affect the male and female child.

From the time the baby is in his mother’s womb, research has shown that the baby is fuelled by the mother’s emotions and the emotions prevalent in that family.

If it is a happy home then this is transmitted to the baby.

If there is abuse, whether physical, mental or economic, this also transmits to the baby.

A child absorbs the mother’s pain, which, I am assuming, could account for the violent tendencies men feel in circumstances where their dominance is challenged.

Male children are certainly more privileged in the home than females, in terms of educational and social skills.

When it comes to allocation of assets and decision-making for the family, the male child is prioritised over a female child.

It enhances this belief that the male is more dominant over a female and this is exacerbated in the current socio-economic environment of poverty and increasing substance abuse.

With the changing dynamics where women and girl children are becoming more empowered to claim their rights, it adds and fuels violent methods of dominance and subjugation

In looking at the recent brutal murders of Karabo Mokoena and the 18 other women and children, 19-yearold Sinoxolo Mafevuka murdered in 2016, and the recent child murders in the Western Cape, we note that the voices of communities experiencing high levels of violence are louder.

Courts are reporting an increase in the number of cases of women seeking protection orders relating to intimate partner violence and abuse.

This can be attributed to the younger generation of women, who are not as tolerant as their mothers or older family members when it comes to violence.

I remember standing at a public health centre in Chatsworth a few years ago waiting for my transport and I overheard this young woman on the phone say, “He slapped me, I will not tolerate it. Today he slapped me, if I let him get away with it, he will beat me tomorrow.”

I silently cheered this young woman for her courage to stand up and make this decision.

But I am also cognisant that many women have no other option but to remain in a violent relationship, some because of the children, others due to dependency based on economic challenges.

These are the relationships that communities and families need to keep a watch over, so that we don’t have more women turning up in body bags.

So what are the drivers of these violent tendencies of men that results in them committing heinous crimes against their partners and spouses?

Most definitely socioeconomic, cultural, political but definitely the age old animal of patriarchy are the drivers.

We also need to look at structural barriers, cultural norms and practices, and family dynamics at play: for example divorce is shunned in some communities and women are looked down upon for taking this step.

Instead of congratulating her for having the courage to take a stand and take action, she is viewed in a negative light and punished for this; the issue in some cultures of the passing of wife to brothers, etc.

Statistics, while not accurate, indicate that femicide has not drastically increased.

However, there has been a recent spike in the number of incidents.

I think more notice is being taken of the voices of the communities and women in particular are standing up against violence more now than ever.

One could say that social mobilization and active citizenry is gaining momentum, especially around gender-based violence.