An open letter to hunters’ wives

Dear wife of a hunter, Many times over the years I have seen the soul-destroying, dejected look on my fellow hunters’ faces when they admit that their better halves had put a stop to the acquisition of a new piece of hunting equipment or even a hunt itself. Whilst mutual agreement on household matters is of vital importance for marital bliss; when it comes to hunting, things are a bit different, so I will endeavour to provide some perspective.

Let’s start with the obvious matter that all too often creates unnecessary tension – the number of guns your husband owns. Just as you can never have “enough shoes”; your husband cannot have “enough guns”. There is no such thing. Never ask, negotiate or argue with him about this. Just as Tiger Woods did not become the best golfer in the world with only two or three golf clubs, your husband cannot become the best hunter he can be with only two or three guns. Please also note that the words “need” and “want” are fully interchangeable in any conversation about the possible acquisition of new firearms. I also need to point out that the same principle applies to any other items related to firearms and hunting – knives, binoculars, telescopes, reloading equipment, etc...

When you, by chance, notice and comment on what you perceive to be a new piece of equipment, please believe your hubby when he says: “Aaah, this old scope? I’ve had it for ages, Lovey! I just recently »

» decided to fit it on my .30-06!” He has never lied to you and will not start now.

Your suggestion that he bought something without your approval will be quite hurtful. You may also be tempted to question the amount of money that was spent. Rather don’t. Whatever he spends on new equipment is actually saving him money as prices will surely rise in future. By buying now he is actually avoiding future price hikes.

I recommend that you applaud him for his efforts in reducing the household expenses and be supportive of his responsible behaviour. A good way to do this is to curtail your own expenses on self-indulgent items such as make-up, hairdos, facials and pedicures rather add these savings to his hunting budget. A lot of money can be saved by perming your own hair and formulating your own makeup – see the internet for some useful tips. We respect your privacy and will not enquire what these items usually cost, please respect our privacy too. Be thankful that your hunterhusband is not a golfer – now that is an expensive hobby.

However, if he is also a golfer, that is great, he is getting the necessary exercise to stay fit and healthy to be a better hunter. He is also saving the household budget an absolute fortune by supplying affordable quality meat, biltong and droëwors instead of buying expensive meat from the local butcher.

Now that we have put the purchase of new equipment to bed, let’s pay attention to some other things. Your husband, being meticulous in his planning of a hunt would almost certainly have a get-together with his mates to discuss an upcoming hunt in detail. It will be at your house and as a good host you need to ensure that your husband’s guests are received in a friendly and polite manner. Politely enquire exactly what kind of snacks your hubby and his mates would like and ensure that a constant supply is available. (There is nothing more disruptive than having to ask for the biltong plate to be replenished.) Also ensure that there is enough ice and that the braaibroodjies are made with onions that were first fried golden brown. Never interrupt this planning session with arbitrary questions or urgent household chores. Ensure the kids are playing quietly outside and that the potato bake is ready when the meat comes off the grid.

Shortly after this planning session, your husband will be busying himself with pre-hunt tasks such as reloading, sharpening knives, etc. If he reloads in your kitchen it is probably because the light there is far better than anywhere else in the house. Remember, he needs to see exactly what he is doing. Whilst I do acknowledge that stepping on an upturned spent primer cup with your bare feet can be painful, you should by now be well versed in the field of DIY pedicures and be able to repair the damage. During this time your husband’s general well-being should be your major concern, as well as the upkeep of his excitement about the planned hunt. In order to support him, make sure his boots are polished and hunting clothes mended. The pantry should be adequately stocked with biltong spices, freezer bags and ingredients for the traditional lamb curry he usually prepares on the last evening of the hunt.

If he phones the hunting venue or his mates seven times a day to check on last-minute arrangements, let him be, it is part of his meticulous nature. On the day before he departs he would appreciate an early dinner as he would want to get up very early the next morning. If the “clonck-clonck” of his hunting boots wakes you at three in the morning, do not get upset. Rather take this opportunity to get up and make him a cuppa for the road. Once this is done, you can use the rest of the time to assemble your homemade make-up before attending to the kids’ school lunches. Also, when he gets up at 3am, but only leaves at five, it is not to deprive you of sleep. It is to ensure that he does not leave something behind.

Your husband will phone you whilst on a hunt if he DEEMS IT NECESSARY and HAS CELLPHONE RECEPTION. If you do not hear from him, everything is OK. Accept this.

Never greet him with the words, “is this the time to get home!?” or similar when he returns from a hunting trip, no matter if you perceive him to be an hour, a day or a week late. Rather play his favourite music softly in the background, greet him (and his mates) friendly at the front door and have an ice cold beer ready. They have travelled far and might be footsore... in which case your husband will appreciate a foot rub. (Note: You are not required to give foot rubs to his mates, but could do so if you feel like it.)

Next, you can unpack and clean the cooler boxes, left-over food and dirty clothes. DO NOT just dump his clothes in the washing machine – it may contain anything from a shrivelled springbuck scrotum to toilet paper or his “not-soexpensive” hearing aids. Let him rather go through his own pockets to make sure they are empty. If he does dump his dirty clothes and boots on the tiled kitchen floor, it is to prevent grass seeds and ticks from getting into any of the other rooms. If he chooses to wear only one outfit and one set of underpants for the entire hunt, he has saved you washing powder and lots of trouble. Very considerate of him, don’t you think?

Did you switch on the refrigeration of the cold room in good time (at least six hours prior to his arrival). Just checking! Oh and when you have hung the meat please wipe the floor to remove all traces of blood. If the buzz of the cold room’s compressor keeps you awake at night, use the time wisely by thinking of new venison recipes.

Like reloading, dissecting a carcass and spicing biltong is best done on the kitchen table – all the necessary tools are right there and again, the lighting is good. At this time your husband will appreciate a cup of coffee and you being on standby with the first aid kit in case he accidentally cuts himself. Please do clean the meat mincer’s tube; you know his hands are too big to fit in there.

And please remember, it is not our fault that Mother’s Day coincides with the start of the hunting season, so stop blaming us and do not expect of us NOT to book a hunt during May. Very important – when your husband returns from a hunt and arrives before 5pm on the afternoon of Mother’s Day it is a bonus. Every hour before five entitles him to an extra hunt for the season. If he is very late you could use the time to prepare a scrumptious meal for him.

Now in general – never snoop around your husband’s hunting equipment. We do not rummage through your purse, it’s that simple. The closest you are allowed to his firearms is when you bring him tea whilst he cleans them. (By the way, you can have your own rifle, on condition that it is in a calibre other than what he already owns and that he chooses the scope.)

The above pointers come with no charge at all, keep them at heart and you will keep your wonderful hubby happy. Yours sincerely, Francois

Now in general – never snoop around your husband’s hunting equipment.