Taking the tough love cure

THE cry of a baby in distress pierces the heart of a parent. As we listened to my daughter’s howls from the next room, my wife and I were in deep pain.

As we sat on the couch, tears rolled down our faces.

But we didn’t move. We didn’t go to her to comfort her. Not that night, nor the next two.

After that gut-wrenching time, she began sleeping on her own. Now, she looks forward to bedtime and even waves to us as she goes, clutching her teddy. And we have our time – our private, adult time – back.

Her routine is set: no sweets later than 4pm because they make her bounce around like a headless chicken. No liquids after 5pm because her nappy gets too full during the night and that disturbs her sleep. Dinner is from 5.45 to 6.15, with recorded episodes of Barney in the background.

At 6.20, it is bath time and at 6.35 she drinks her milk while we read her a book and sometimes we let her watch Barney – but 7pm on the dot, we go into her room, say a prayer and tuck her in her cot.

Just as it was heart-wrenching to introduce her to this way of life, it was difficult for me to get out of the habits of my childhood too.

My parents remind me how, until I was four years old, I cried for my mommy’s breast milk. This behaviour used to drive my dad crazy and my mom knew it was wrong… but to avoid a baby crying the whole night, she allowed it.

Now that I am a parent, I realise I was spoiled as a child.

I also remember that I never had a sleeping routine in my early childhood. My brothers and I would stare at the TV set or listen in on our parents’ conversation.

As with many kids, we slept when we were tired and because this was the culture at home, I grew up thinking it was a way of life for everyone until I became a parent.

We discovered the other way from our friends Ryan and Shelly when we went for dinner one evening and found their children had already been put to bed.

Our daughter, by comparison, was wide awake when we got home at 10pm.

Ryan and Shelly gave us some advice about the “tough love” approach… and it works.

Author Michael J Breus says: “Making sure your child gets good, sound sleep ensures he or she will have a sound foundation for proper mind and body development.”

Marie Hartwell-Walker puts it this way: “Repetition and structure help children feel safe. Bedtime declares that the day is over. When you are loving and firm about when it is time for bed, you are building your children’s confidence in their world. Repetition for young children is comforting.”

Setting boundaries is not to deny our daughter anything, instead we have found that she thrives when there is structure and routine.

She feels safe because she knows what to expect, she is happier and, more importantly, she is disciplined.

Another benefit is that my wife and I have a better marriage. We know that after 7pm it is our time to bond, talk, relax and have fun.

And as with Ryan and Shelly, we can invite friends over for dinner knowing that we will enjoy the time in peace.

The truth is… we never thought we needed a routine until we experienced it. And now, we don’t understand how parents keep sane without it.

There are those who think we are cruel, that we are somehow damaging our daughter’s future.

To that I say: look at us as a family. There is order, there is routine, there is discipline.

But there is also a whole lot of love…