Don’t fool yourself into believing a bit on the side isn’t cheating!

and have sex with someone else, that is defined as adultery. If you are in a monogamous relationship but not married and you have sex with someone else, that is defined as infidelity. Cheating is a bit more elusive. It is something that is defined by the parameters of your relationship but very few of us actually talk about it with our partner. You are allowed to do X but not Y. Have you had that discussion? I’ve been chatting to some people about it and everyone has a different opinion.

In a different time, cheating was up close and personal but, with new technology, it has got a lot more complicated. Computers, websites, chat rooms and social media have changed the game.

If you are in a monogamous relationship but send saucy messages, sext and flirt with someone on WhatsApp, but have never ever touched each other physically, is that cheating?

If you have sneaked out for lunch with someone and you discuss everything from books to biltong and then kiss goodbye, is that cheating?

If you go to a function without your partner, dance the night away and maybe have a snog, but don’t have sex, is that cheating? If you gave the person your number, and hope they’ll call, is that cheating?

It can be argued that it’s all just innocent flirting and fun (who doesn’t like to feel special?) and should have no effect on your relationship. No sexual transaction has taken place even if it has been hinted at and is therefore not worth declaring – that is until it is!

If you are the partner at home and find out, how would it feel? Would you feel that you have been cheated on?

When I was young and bullet-proof, I was in a relationship where we were both allowed to flirt but at the end of the evening we went home together. When we travelled, which we both did extensively, there was an unwritten rule that what happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas. So there would be no lies. That worked perfectly until the first lie was told.

Hearing it and understanding the consequence is bone-crushingly painful. When you realise your partner is cheating, it’s a betrayal like no other. What hurt the most was the emotional betrayal that shattered my world.

In the early stages I was accused of being insecure and mad. I tried not to be insecure and mad and so it was allowed to fester. In retrospect I should have just owned up to being insecure and mad and put a stop to what I knew to be true.

When your partner wants to be sexting or talking to their “friend”, more than they want to be with you, it says something. I choose to call it cheating.

Having been on both ends of the cheating game, here is what I believe: If you are hiding a text, discussion, meeting, party or social network page from your partner, the chances are you know what you are doing is wrong and know your partner will consider it cheating.

If you think your partner would be hurt by your behaviour, you are being disrespectful to your relationship and I believe you are cheating!

If someone else makes you feel sexier, cleverer and more exciting than your partner and you cannot talk about it, you have a problem. Sort it out before the innocent flirtation goes too far.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is cheating on their partner, I know you think you are different, you are special, understand him… he was sent to you, and believe the million stories that we tell ourselves.

It may be true for now, but as Oprah Winfrey once said: “If he cheats with you, he will eventually cheat on you!” Let me know what you think on my blog, www. blog.lolamontez.co.za or via e-mail: sharon@lolamontez.co.za