‘Tie me up, tie me down, baby’

and do something that will make you both smile a little more next week.

If the thought of doing something different really exhausts you, it is definitely time for a change.

I want to explore some of the lessons and techniques we have learnt from the BDSM community.

Set aside your preconceived idea that BDSM is all about whips and chains. Yes, it can be about that, but I want us to explore the more sensual play.

Planning a play requires a bit of work and, as much as we’d like to be spontaneous, it never really is.

Chances are you have never talked about what you’d like to try. We’d rather have very average sex than admit to wanting something that will have your partner thinking you’re kinky.

To start the conversation, download the Bondage Contract off my blog, www.blog.lolamontez.co.za. Just type in Bondage Contract and it should take you to the page. It’s similar to the contract in 50 Shades of Grey and it talks about some sexual practices that haven’t even been thought about.

If you are too shy to talk about what you are reading, print two copies and mark down what you think you’d like to explore. Let your partner do the same.

Chances are you’ll both learn something and remember to laugh. I recommend talking through the contract. Google what you don’t understand, and maybe watch a video that explains it. Who knows, you may be so excited by the exercise that your sex life takes an upturn.

The community talks about hard and soft limits and I wish this discussion was a part of everyone’s sexual vocabulary.

A hard limit is something that is absolutely off-limits. For example, you don’t want to have or try anal sex. It’s completely off the table. That is your hard limit. Your partner may not like it but has to respect it.

A soft limit is something you are willing to try even though you may not be sure you will like it. This is where my favourite practice from the BDSM community comes from – safe words.

A safe word system can be used in everyday life, not just in sexual play. You can incorporate it, for instance, when you are having an argument and one of you is about to cross a line.

I suggest using the traffic light system. Green indicates that you are relaxed and into it. Your partner can continue. Orange indicates that you are not completely comfortable and your partner should proceed with caution. Red means stop immediately.

E-mail sharon@lolamontez.co.za for more information or comment.