Be brave and ask for the sex you want

I KNOW it’s important for procreation. Or more to the point, it has been. More and more it seems that sex is no longer a requirement for procreation. All you need is an egg and a sperm and the magic of conception can take place in a test tube. NO sex required.

We have to start with what sex actually is. The Oxford dictionary defines sex as a colloquialism for sexual intercourse. Ask anyone what they think sex is and you will get a different answer each time.

I think sex is when two or more people, at any given time, are doing any action which involves the genitals. Sex can involve the penetration of any orifice. What about masturbation? If you masturbate on your own is that sex? And what if someone else is involved in the masturbation process? I don’t think that masturbating on your own counts but having your genitals stimulated by someone else does.

If you want to add more confusion to the discussion, when is a woman no longer a virgin? If virginity is valued then the loss of it through sex matters and therefore sex has value. But I’m going to leave the virginity question for another day. Today I want to explore the importance of sex.

Most will tell you that sex is important to a relationship. That it is the cornerstone of a good marriage. The popular view is that if you have a good sex life it is only responsible for 10% of your overall happiness, but if you have a terrible sex life it is responsible for 90% of your unhappiness.

I believe that we have become highly sexualised. We are expected to be having hundreds of mind-blowing orgasms. Read any magazine and sex advice fills the pages. One would think that we are completely incompetent and that great sex can only be taught. I read the articles to see if there is something I’m missing.

Sex has always been important. It is depicted in the art of ancient Egypt and Greece. The walls of Pompeii and Hindu temples are filled with images. They make us look decidedly repressed. So maybe the ancients had instruction. I would love to know whether they actually spoke about sex because here is where I think we go wrong.

We see sex everywhere: movies, TV, magazines, online. Sex as far as the eye can see, but are we talking about it with our significant other or are we just fumbling about in the dark?

My experience is that very few people are talking about their likes and dislikes.

We are not talking to our partners or our friends and if we do we’re only talking in general terms. I was recently interviewed on a radio station, where the pitch was that this was no-holds-barred, uncensored talk. Which was all well and good until I started asking and talking about the hard questions.

I talk about sex as a job, so you’d think it would be easy for me to address my wants and desires but it’s not, so I know how hard it must be for the average Josephine.

But is sex important and why should we bother? Sex is the way we procreate and ensure that the human race continues. Let’s take procreation off the table and what are we left with? Sex for recreation. Now is sex important?

Sex is good for you. The touching and feeling, the intimacy associated with sex is good for you. Orgasm is good for you. All the parts of a healthy sexual relationship are good for you. The results are undeniable. You will feel better. Your immune system will be stronger, you will feel happier because of all the happy hormones that get released and you will look younger. It’s like taking a happy pill and multivitamin at the same time. So why does it feel like such a chore? I believe that sex often takes a back seat once the relationship is established. We have so much else to do to survive on a daily basis that the one thing that is natural is ignored.

Maybe the sex you’re having now, which was perfectly adequate at the height of your lust, now falls short of your expectations. Rather than address it, which we know is bloody hard to do, we avoid it. The more you avoid it, the longer you wait to get back in the swing of things, the less important sex becomes.

I know many, many women who say that sex is not important. That if they never had to have sex again they would be quite satisfied. I know some men who feel the same but who would never admit it. Women are allowed to feel this way, men not so much.

Sex is part of the human condition. If done right, it is the most fun we can have without having to spend too much money. If sex is way down on your priority list, I am going to beg you not to write it off. Keep your hand in, so to speak. The more sex you have, the more sex you want. The opposite is also true.

To have great sex, you have to be brave and ask for what you want. You have to talk about it and not in popular culture terms. You have to find your own sweet spots and then guide your partner there.

Sex has to be important, otherwise I don’t have a job!

Sharon@lolamontez.co.za