Health in hands of the spin doctors

WHATEVER you may or may not have heard, rest assured, things are not in chaos. White House press secretary Sean Spicer said that the American Health Care Act (Ahca) would pass on Thursday night. It may pass on Friday, or it may not, but everything was still going according to plan.

He also said that there was no Plan B, but it turned out this was just a description of the contraceptive benefits available to women under the House plan.

House Speaker Paul Ryan, and the GOP leadership are making concessions left, right and centre, on the bill in the hopes of appeasing various constituencies. Well, left, right and cente. There is a tug-ofwar going on in the House between two wings of the Republican Party. Moderates (a species long feared extinct) are objecting to the bill on the grounds it seems to be making things worse and more expensive.

The Freedom Caucus opposed the bill on the grounds its members never lear nt how to do anything other than object to things, and the thought of voting “yes” makes them feel seasick. (Democrats are also objecting, but of course national health insurance is not a bipartisan issue.)

After the Freedom Caucus’s initial objection – that too many people had coverage and maybe the bill would bring about cost savings – was fixed, the group was complaining it might still cover too many essential health services. (A note to the GOP messaging people, who are usually so good on things like this: you had better try to find a new name for these, because a headline about cutting “essential health services” does not sound, well, great.) Fortunately, edits to the bill have been concocted with innovations such as, I think:

– All women’s health services will just be a woman in a robe who follows you with a bell saying “shame”.

– You cannot get a mammogram (a great relief to Pat Roberts), but you can get a doctor who will tell you if your boobs are “too small” or “too saggy”.

– All women’s care will not be covered on the grounds that it is icky but men in doctor coats will be available to rate women on a scale from 1 to 10.

– All maternity care will be covered from conception to the moment that it is discovered that the foetus is not male, at which point it will be on its own and will be read a disapproving notice for wearing such a revealing outfit on the ultrasound.

– Those with a pre-existing condition get hit with a stick until they stop trying to seek insurance and crawl off to Canada.

– Women on Medicaid will have to find a job within two months of giving birth.

As Spicer pointed out on Wednesday, this has been a fully transparent process, and we have been able to watch every step in the same sense that a hummingbird’s wings flapping are fully transparent. In contrast to the way Obamacare was passed, which was drawn out for a period of time so long as to be almost incomprehensible to the human mind, this process is short and streamlined, like ripping off a Band-Aid. This is fine because Quicksilver has followed this from beginning to end with no problem.

As I type, they continue editing it before a vote on the grounds that some people somewhere are still in favour of it. But a great new plan will be concocted where everyone will have to give their kidneys to the government to be handed to an elderly oil magnate and no one will receive any coverage at all.

Fortunately, if it doesn’t pass, we will get coverage under the Affordable Care Act which it turns out we have had all along! – The Washington Post