Listening is key to a good relationship

WE are so focused on what needs doing that we find ourselves stuck in superficial relationships.

This week’s question comes from Peter in Roodepoort: “Why does she not hear me? Am I talking to myself ? Do you have any advice for a stuck relationship?”

Dear Peter, stress in family matters can be more pressing on our emotions than our careers. It becomes harder to deal with when we can’t seem to get through to our partners. And if I understand correctly, you are asking what can be done to resolve that.

In the battle of the sexes, men focus on careers to provide for their families, and, women seem to put family before work. When the pressure is on, one partner is less able to allow the other’s needs to be heard. You need to approach this with a strategy similar to conflict resolution: Find the common value. Without a strong connection you will not be able to break through the distractions of life. This is where the work of relationship-building comes into play and you can deal with one of the biggest frustrations in relationships, which is “not being heard”. You might as well live two separate lives.

If you are currently dealing with this issue by focusing on what comes next and saying what you need to say for the sake of harmony, I would suggest that YOU LEARN HOW TO LISTEN.

Do for her what you want her to do for you. It might be difficult to grasp. Can you make eye contact when she speaks to you and stop your thoughts for a second? I assure you, if she senses that you are listening, she will feel validated. She might even stop telling you the same thing over and over again. What if you are the good listener already and she is the one that is not hearing you? Ask yourself: “How important is this for me to resolve? Will I commit the necessary time to offer her what she wants, which is my full presence?” Can you then ask her the magic question at the end…” Did I get you?”

It is a magical question, because if you tell her what she wanted to hear, she will feel a real connection and open up to actually hear you.

Yes, it seems like hard work. But, if you are not willing to move forward this will be as far as it goes for you.

This past weekend my son returned from a 28-day camp. I noticed that when he spoke to me he said “please” and “thank you”. He even looked at me when he spoke and looked into my eyes when I spoke to him. The thought that crossed my mind was “Oh my word… he is going to be every woman’s dream.”

Post your question on www.adele- green. com/askadele/ Also listen to #360Brunch at noon on Sundays on Mix93.8FM.

Adelé Green is a Transformation Specialist Coach.