It may be time to reboot your sex life

IF YOU’VE been in a relationship for longer than four years you’ve probably started to wonder if the sex you’re having is as good as it’s going to get?

If you don’t learn some new tricks, the answer is probably yes. Even if you’re having great orgasms, you might be bored with the knowledge that a pat on the tush and a tweak of the nipple means the game is on.

Now if you don’t want to increase intimacy or intensify all those sexual feelings, then by all means ignore me, but if you do then you are going to have to do some work which may make you feel a bit uncomfortable.

I’m going to share two exercises with you – one this week and one next week. They will increase intimacy and, with a bit of luck, your desire. It may also leave you laughing hysterically. Either way you will have a good time. The exercise I am going to share is loosely borrowed from Tantric routines. This week’s exercise is called Yab-Yum. You use it to increase intimacy or as foreplay; but discuss your intention before you start.

You do need time and you must both be committed to doing the exercise. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and kept wondering how much longer the torture would continue. So believe me when I tell you to vasbyt and see it through to the end.

There is no sexual pressure during this exercise. Discuss it with your partner before you begin.

Discuss what is going to happen and your expectations. Go as far as to discuss safe words in case one of you feels the need to freak out.

You will both be required to be completely naked and there will be no penetration. You will both need to feel completely safe and protected.

Prepare for this: warm the room, make sure you have enough pillows, dim the lights if you are uncomfortable with nudity, but not so dark that you can’t see each other.

Sit on the bed or floor, face-to-face, with your legs wrapped around each other. Support yourself with pillows if you need to. If you are uncomfortable in the sitting position, lie on your side facing each other, wrap your legs and arms around each other. The idea is that you are naked, wrapped up together with no sexual pressure or penetration.

You heard me right. You are just going to lie there and hold each other for 10 to 15 minutes.

Don’t close your eyes. This is the part that is most difficult. When last did you really look at your partner?

Try not to think about your social media feeds, whether you should take a picture, what’s happening at the office or whether the children have been fed. Try to stay in the moment. Giggling is acceptable but try to take it seriously. No talking or sleeping.

The benefit of this exercise is to reconnect with your partner on a spiritual level. To really look at them and see them. Your heart beat should align.

You can do this exercise as often as you like, especially when you feel as if you are out of sync with your partner. It’s a bit like resetting your router or pressing “control-alt-delete” on your computer. It helps to reset and restart.

What you do once the 15 minutes is over is up to you. If you need to, lengthen the time but never shorten it. You can always move onto some more play afterwards. Chances are you won’t be chatting!

It’s a good idea to discuss and deal with the feelings that come up during this exercise. Hold the space for your partner even if you don’t want to talk about it.

Next week I’m going to explore kissing. Sexy, divine and marvellous kissing.

Share your experiences by e-mailing me at sharon@lolamontez.co.za