The three golden threads to keep you connected
DO YOU know what keeps a connection healthy in a life partnership?
This week’s question comes from Mohamed in Lenasia: “I recently married the love of my life. I know it is unrealistic to expect to stay in love. My question for you is: How I can stay feeling connected in my marriage? I read that people break up when they grow apart.”
Dear Mohamed, within you is a wise soul to ask such a deep question. Socrates said if you want to find the most intelligent person in the village, look for the one who claims to not have an answer to your question. Allow me to offer three humble thoughts on what any man and woman could benefit from in a long-term relationship.
You are right when you say you will not stay in love, but you can do the next best thing – observe your connection. When you fall out of love, remember you can never really be disconnected from each other. When the relationship is challenging, note your differences and let them remind you that it is something similar that drew you towards each other.
That “something” is the fact you have the same basic need. A power struggle seems like a battle for the one whose needs should be met. In truth, you are just misunderstanding how to meet the same needs. If you can recognise that, you can work together instead of against each other.
Instead of noticing differences, know that to give her what she needs, you can look at what you really want and you can speak a soul language of feelings to her. Tell her how she feels and listen carefully. When she speaks notice where you overlap on deeper needs for personal development purposes.
The third tip will sound a bit like a contradiction. Never compromise who you are. Your partner fell in love with who you are. As you find your boundaries over time don’t negotiate giving up what is true for you. To respect your partner, you first need to respect yourself, and you do that by being exactly who you are.
When you compromise who you are, you will end up identifying yourself through your relationship. And when that happens, you will start to become someone other than the person your partner vowed to commit to. The three threads that bind a relationship together are: 1. Remember you are connected even when you do not feel that way; 2. When things get tough it is most likely a misunderstanding of how you are both trying to service a similar need; 3. Instead of getting your own way, remember true freedom inside a relationship is only possible when you are two overlapping individuals and not two separate half circles.
Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked. Ask your conscious relationship question on www.adele-green.com/ askadele/ or e-mail info@adele-green.com and listen to #360Brunch, Sundays on Mix93.8fm for more insights.