How to get her to agree to the things you want to buy

THE MALE and female roles in a relationship automatically set us up with assumptions of how things are done. It is not practical to work through everything and reach an agreement, except when certain things are important enough. Money is often the source of conflict and it is worth taking the time to understand the assumptions of our roles in a relationship.

This week’s question comes from John in uMhlanga: “My wife fights me on everything I want to get for myself. I work hard and want to buy a gun for myself. It is as if she resists anything I want for myself. She controls the money for the household.

“What else can I possibly do to get her to understand that I also want and need stuff ?”

With awareness you can shift your perspective to affect your desired results. In many homes, women help to reduce the additional stress on their husbands by managing the family funds. This comes easily as they are the natural nurturers in the relationship.

However, this so- called control which they have does not serve their personal need of getting what they want for themselves.

John, if your question (to get her to understand that you need stuff) is taken seriously, you need to consider her true intentions. This is an individual need. Her need for nurturing is not for her as a person, but for her family. It implies that if you are getting something for “you”, it means someone else in the household is not going to get something. You are comparing a personal need with a group need, which is why she does not understand what you want.

If you want to equal the playing field, you should offer her an allowance with which she can get stuff that she wants. This will offer her a perspective that will enable her to better understand your personal needs.

Now, if she grasps getting things on an individual level, it means that the next time that you ask for something you might get more than you bargained for. She might actually encourage you to get that gun.

The illusion that a woman controls the family budget does not automatically allow her permission to address her own needs. By offering her an allowance for her personal needs, you give her the same per mission that you need, which is why this works so well. It is also important to remember that even when you start implementing an agreement, it will leave you with feelings that will highlight where you should go next.

The key is to listen carefully to the real need of your partner. Your wife needs to hear that you are not asking for permission as much as you want to co-operate with the family values and respect the equality in your relationship positions. So demonstrate it by giving her a tangible equal experience with an allowance of her own. Even if she does not trade her time for money, her effort to spend the family budget affords her the reward.

Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked? Grow in a conscious relationship. She provides answers here when posted on www.adele-green. com/askadele/ or you can chat to her online. Also listen to #360Brunch on mix93.fm on Sundays.