Overcoming our touch programming

THERE’S been a fair amount of information coming through in articles with a scientific background on the power of touch.

We know, for example, what speed to touch at to elicit the maximum amount of oxytocin (known as the connection/ love hormone) and that conscious touch is essential for bonding newborn babies and mothers.

Yet, because we put our sexuality in such a completely different box, we disregard much of the research on touch in our intimate lives.

We tend to stick to the programming of what we are exposed to within pornography, and the average length of time spent watching pornography to “get off ” is generally under 10 minutes. We are also patterned from our pleasure responses from puberty.

Men are the most affected by this patterning, as they are generally programmed from the time they discover the pleasure possibilities of their genitals in puberty, to aim for friction-based very quick orgasm (so that they don’t get “caught playing with themselves”).

This tends to follow through into their adult intimate lives as what we call “friction-based orgasm hunting” or sex!

This programming, this muscle memory is generally 5-7 years long, until men become sexually active.

That’s seven years of programming the male body to respond to very quick, friction-based orgasmic pleasure, probably with a large dollop of shame and guilt thrown in, dependent on the belief systems surrounding these years of experiences.

It’s no wonder that with that basic training, men don’t last very long during actual penetrative intercourse, or that sex is only considered “complete” when the man orgasms.

Our human sexuality is very centred upon the male orgasmic response, and the easiest way that men pattern their bodies to achieve orgasm.

There’s an understanding in our rapidly changing world, especially with the amount of technology which updates the world daily, that we need to develop the ability to learn, unlearn and relearn, with more speed and precision than at any other point in our history, to keep ourselves relevant, updated.

Yet, we don’t do this with one of our most basic human needs, touch and sexuality.

We stay stuck in intimate lives that don’t include more than patterned responses with occasional bursts of adrenaline and desire with a new lover, or an added “spice” of lingerie, a getaway, pornography and toys.

We don’t unlearn patterns in the body that prevent us having better and more fulfilling pleasure and connection for both men and women, moving past the adrenaline and dopamine based sexuality, in a fuller, more skills-based, more connecting type of sexuality.

We don’t “grow up” sexually, we stay stuck in teenage patterns, because our first learnings have not grown or adapted, even when we have done so in every other area of our lives.

There’s a huge disconnect between the speed and change happening in the learning environment worldwide within so many fields of human endeavour, and the separate quality we still feel with relation to our sexuality.

We all have the ability to unlearn body patterning within sexuality to open up larger landscapes in sexual wellness and health, we are not just not using that ability.

As an intimacy coach, it’s my job to teach people how to do this safely and effectively, on many platforms, using the technology we have, teaching online courses as well as coaching in individual sessions and via Skype.

It’s time to update the way we respond to the magic dispensary of feel good hormones and love chemicals we all have accessible to us through further learning about conscious touch and human sexuality. It’s time to let go of old patterns. Beyond porn and basic understandings.

It’s time to update your sexual systems.

■ Anne-marie Clulow writes on behalf of Intimacy Coach International www.intimacycoachinternational.com