CAN’T SEE ANY GURU DOING BETTER THAN ME
DEAR DA Leadership,
I read in a discarded Sunday newspaper (on principle I do not buy Wmc-aligned newspapers. I’m a bit short of cash), that you are contemplating hiring a “pricey UK election guru” to help you.
My considered advice (free at this point) is: don’t. I am willing to offer the same, but superior, service at a fraction of the price. Instead of the R1 million a day, I am willing to go in at R900 000 a day, plus VAT. I did say a fraction, not necessarily a small fraction.
I am sure that on reading my reasons below you will have no hesitation in throwing in your lot with me.
First, the gentleman in question is, I assume, English. We have just trounced the English twice on the rugby field and who knows but this is a plot to take dastardly revenge by muddying the already muddy waters of our political arena.
Look for the hidden hand of British intelligence in the sudden appearance of this hitherto unknown guru. It was reported that he assisted in David Cameron’s campaign. Now had he assisted in getting Donald Trump elected, that might have made one sit up.
On the other hand, if Putin managed that while holding down a full-time job, perhaps this guru business is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Second, this gentleman moved in the more restrained atmosphere of British politics and probably has no notion that ours is a cross between Comedy Central and a major prison riot. Does he know the art of making promises convincingly that cannot WITH petrol prices overtaking those of gold and platinum, you may be thinking about using public transport. I feel dutybound to provide a basic user guide for first-time minibus taxi passengers.
If you think Robert de Niro was something else in Taxi Driver, wait until you meet our guys. I think his famous line, “You talking to me?”, came from research conducted right here in Johannesburg.
To basics. Should you ever contemplate sitting up front in a minibus taxi, please be sure that your maths is sounder than that of a former government head.
Once in the front seat, you automatically possibly be kept? Does he know about the use of language so malleable that willingness to kill for someone can be substituted with willingness to die for someone as smoothly as changing gears in a Ferrari? What about the cultural significance of free braais and food parcels? The correct answer must be none of the above.
You would be far better served by a “local is lekker” approach. I have extensive experience, having helped several friends to win class prefect elections against overwhelming odds (two of them were not even students at the school).
Like Putin, I also hold down a full-time job, but am willing to take two weeks leave. The standard contract that I used previously is ready for your signatures. We can dispense with those complex banking transactions. I am perfectly at ease with black become taxi cashier – unopposed.
On a good day, you answer to some 16 passengers and the driver for fares and change. On a bad day, 30 or so. Heaven help you if the books don’t balance.
Sit in the back seat only if you have the slender form of a ’60s model. Trying to reach your pockets once wedged in is an exercise in futility. It’s embarrassing to have a woman yell: “Stop touching my thighs!” Worse still if it’s a man yelling.
If you need to ask the driver anything, expect replies of no more than one syllable. If you greet him and he grunts in reply, be content. That’s friendly in Jozi. garbage bags.
Populist prattle, surviving scandals with panache, the value of friends in low places – these are but a few of my Electioneering 101 lessons. More of that once you have grasped my palm in a deal-closing handshake.
Richard J Mann
Try not to tender more than R50 in fare. Drivers are intensely superstitious about carrying change. You could find yourself alone on a cold, dark Jozi street.
Don’t be too surprised at the condition of the vehicle. It costs a lot to maintain the sound system so it can blast out the latest hits at top volume. There’s little left to maintain anything else.
These minor issues aside, you can sit back and enjoy the adventure with those magnificent men in their flying machines. You are guaranteed adventure every time.
Yours in the struggle to keep moving.
Richard J Mann
driven by a drunk policeman. There have also been reports that some cash vehicle hits were done by police.
Rose Tuelo Leteane