When home is a war zone
A man and a woman share their stories of gender-based violence
“THE birth of my baby girl saved me from myself.”
These are the words of a 31-yearold man from umlazi, who opened up to the Independent on Saturday about being a perpetrator of gender-based violence.
He said some of the reasons he beat his girlfriend were that she used to want to control him and dictate how he lived his life. This would frustrate him and drive him to drink and avoid her.
“I couldn’t spend all my time with her, I also had a life outside of our relationship – I had friends and family.
“This one time, I found her waiting outside my flat without her telling me she was coming there. She started shouting because I had gone out drinking with my friends. She said some really hurtful and insulting things, things that I had told her in confidence, so I hit her,” said the man.
He said other times he beat her because she took away his bank card in an attempt to curb his drinking habit.
Despite this they stayed together as a couple.
Then his girlfriend fell pregnant with their first child, a girl.
“I held my daughter in my arms for the first time and I knew I had to be a better man, for both of them. I knew I wouldn’t want any man hitting my daughter, and her mother did not deserve that too.
“I no longer had cash to drink, I had a child to support. I began to spend more time with my girlfriend because I’d visit all the time to see the baby. The fights died down, and we have never looked back ever since.”
A MARRIED woman from Glenwood shared her story of an abusive marriage. The 32-year-old woman said she and her husband had dated for 15months before getting married.
The relationship was good. They got along and never had any issues.
She moved from Eastern Cape to join him in Durban. When she fell pregnant with their son, they had still been happy together.
She said her husband had unresolved issues from a previous marriage, and he felt he had been deceived by his wife.
“I think he met me before he had resolved his issues, before he found the peace to move on to a new relationship. So I think he started projecting some of that anger towards me.
“Even though I could see he was broken, I stayed with him because I loved him. It was just bad because I was taking punches from a broken man who couldn’t fix himself.”
She said he would come home drunk and find fault in everything she said and use that as a reason to hit her.
“We’d talk about it the following morning and he’d tell me he wasn’t a mad person, that I pushed him to hit me. That really got to me.”
After numerous beatings, she started fighting back. She said even though she knew she couldn’t defeat him, she felt she had to do something.
Since the house was in his name, he would threatened to kick her out. One night he eventually did, in the middle of the night when she was half naked and ready to go to bed.
“He got better after I called the police to arrest him, and I got a protection order against him.
“My heart broke when I saw him going to jail. I think that’s what happens to other girls, some who end up being killed – they feel sorry for them (the perpetrators). Men will blackmail you emotionally. Men put themselves first in their lives; when you do the same, they refuse to tolerate it.”
It was when she decided to leave with their son, that his parents intervened and he decided to change his ways.
He has never treated her as well as he did now, she said.
He now took responsibility for his son without being asked.
“He tells me he loves me, holds me and says he never wants to let go and says this is where he wants to be.”
She said they now communicate better, and use this channel to resolve their issues.
TARRYN Frankish, a researcher and lecturer at the Durban University of Technology, said intimate partner violence was set against poverty and unemployment, rampant alcoholism and the normalisation of violence throughout history against vulnerable groups.
She said this set up the conditions for gender-based violence even in the most private space – the home.
Most perpetrators are family members, friends or intimate partners.
Other forms of gender-based violence include domestic violence, sexual violence and harassment, and violence toward the LGBTIQ community, among others.
Frankish said intimate partner violence was often (but not exclusively) characterised by dependence, and that unequal power relationships made it possible for one partner to dominate the other.
“Overwhelmingly the statistics show that men dominate women. There may be examples of men being victims of gender-based violence but this is much less common. We see in the literature that young boys experience significant violence that underpins the idea that violence is targeted at vulnerable, dependent groups,” Frankish said.
She explained that this meant gender-based violence intersected with issues linked to poverty as well as to ideological norms expressed in rape culture. Myths about consent and desire exist alongside social power and privilege and notions of what it is to be a “strong, capable man”.
Her advice on spotting red flags was to look for over-possessiveness and a partner who isolated you from your support structures – friends and family.
Observe how your partner treats people who were deemed “lower” on the social hierarchy, such as children or those who work in service to others.
“Is your partner controlling, do they lash out by kicking or throwing objects? Do they threaten you or others? Do they try to coerce or bully you into having sex with them? Do they belittle you or call you names? Is your partner an alcoholic or drug user? Do they own a gun or carry knives?”
Frankish urged people to challenge the way men and women are perceived: “It is up to all of us to speak up and support the women of our communities.”