Moving on after the cheating
THERE was a huge response to last week’s article on cheating. The overwhelming majority asked: What now? Can our relationship survive this?
The answer is: It’s up to you – and I mean BOTH of you. It will not be easy. It will take many months, if not years, but it can be done.
The one thing you must come to terms with is that your relationship will not be the same again. The good news is that if it doesn’t kill you, it could make your relationship stronger.
The first step to moving on is to acknowledge what has happened. You have to admit to what the problem is and acknowledge wholeheartedly that you have messed up.
Apologise! I know the word “sorry” is probably not in your vocabulary, but unless you say it, and mean it, you’re dead in the water.
You then have to figure out why it happened. A wise woman once told me there are only two types who cheat: the naughty and the needy. Which are you?
I also think power and the ability to wield it is incredibly addictive and forms a large part of cheating.
Once you have figured out what the problem is, be honest about whether it can be remedied, because if it can’t there is little point in repeating the cycle.
You have to cut off all communication with the other person – and I mean ALL, including social media. If your partner catches you or suspects you are communicating or sneaking a peek at their Facebook page, you will be back in a world of pain.
Your partner and relationship will need to heal. This takes time. Some experts say it will take at least 18 months, if not more.
It is easy to be consumed by the betrayal and want to discuss it every minute of every day. Don’t. Set aside time when it can be discussed. Like date night for deceit discussion!
You will be questioned mercilessly. Every time you have sex, kiss, hold hands, go to the park, your partner will wonder if you did this with the other person. And they are entitled to an answer. You have to respect and acknowledge the pain you have caused. And not just once!
Be as honest as you can be. I am tempted to tell you to lie about certain things. If your partner asks whether his penis was bigger than his – say No! The answer to “Was she better than me?” is always NO!
The problem with not telling the truth is that if it comes out later, trust has been breached from the beginning. I can guarantee your partner will recall every detail you have shared.
I’m not a fan of couple’s therapy unless you are both committed 100 percent. It can guide you to find common ground and if you think it will help you, go for it. It has worked for many; it didn’t work for me.
If you are the partner who has cheated, you have to bear witness to the pain and chaos you have caused.
Many offenders I have spoken to are horrified by the pain they caused their children. What did you expect?
Forgiving requires time. More often than not we forgive quickly because we are so afraid of the loss that may come if we don’t. You are cheating your relationship if you allow this to happen. You will be destined to a lifetime of hurt and humiliation. Love and respect yourself enough to go through all the stages of loss. Grieve like you would a death and then move on.
Set new rules. The days of not answering your phone or of leaving the room to talk are over! Your computer, social media pages and smartphone are now open sources. You have lost your right to privacy.
You have to prove you are serious about regaining trust and this is the quickest way to combat insecurity and mistrust. Once your partner starts to trust you again, they will slowly relax the leash.
Sex can be a huge hurdle in the healing process. Every time you touch your partner, they will be wondering if you did this with the other party and if you are thinking of them. This is normal and it would be disingenuous to humiliate your partner because of it.
The bedroom can become a war zone, but try not to let it. Never withhold sex as punishment. There is just no coming back from that. It’s hard, but try.
If you are the hurt party, try not to punish your partner at every turn. They can tolerate being your whipping boy only for so long. You have to learn how to let it go.
Putting your relationship back together is the most terrifying roller-coaster you will ride. After giving it your best, there is no shame in moving on. But be an adult about it.
When it hurts, I try to remember a line from a Helen Reddy song: “Yes, I’ve paid the price, but look how much I’ve gained. I am strong, I am invincible!”
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