What I really wanted to tell you…

I HAVE an acquaintance who reads this column – let’s call him Jim – who told me last week’s was boring. We joked about it, but it got me thinking about what I really want to say – scream, eat and f**k.

So this week I have the gloves off and I’m ready to take a swing. This week’s column is for all the divorced, exhausted, weary-to-thebone singles out there.

I realise I’m always talking about improving your relationship when in reality many of us don’t have a significant other. The relationship we do have is with ourselves. If you are divorced and have children, I would stake your ex’s penis on it that you are severely ignoring this primary relationship.

I am going to ask you to set aside everything you believe about your ex, even if he is certified. I want you to trust that he loves his children. Maybe not like you want him to or as much as you do, but he loves them and would not intentionally harm them.

I know it’s hard to believe. I have no doubt he believes you are using the maintenance he pays you (regardless of how much or little it is) for luxuries for yourself. I am also sure if he is paying the medical aid he believes you are taking the children to the doctor to spite him.

You are a spiteful, evil and money-grabbing bitch – and instead of laughing this off you are spending every moment trying to prove him wrong. You are trying against all odds to prove you love your children more than he does and to show everyone you are supermom!

I asked a friend, who was going through a particularly torrid time with her teenage daughter, that if she could do one thing to make her situation better, what this would be. Her answer was: “Put her on a plane and send her to her father and let him deal with it for a while!” So why won’t she? “Because they will kill me!” Now we know they are not going to do that. At worst he would send the daughter back (which in itself would be a lesson) and the rest of the family would think she was a failure of a mother. Both of which I could live with. And for the judgmental they, I have two words for them.

Think about how different your life would be if you hadn’t fought so hard for custody. Imagine you could take your darlings for milkshakes every Wednesday after school and have them every second weekend, during which you would take them to movies, play with PlayStation, leave their shoes under the bed and return them at an inappropriate time on Sunday afternoon. How different would your life be? You would certainly be less exhausted.

But no, we have to prove we alone understand our children and care for them. We would never allow them to be with the psychopath we once loved and manufactured these children with.

Why not rather remember the version of him you originally fell in love with and let him love his children? I know he is never going to be the father you want him to be. The sooner you accept you cannot change this and that his relationship and journey with his children is just that – his – the better for your sanity. They will find a place for their relationship.

If you think your siblings, children, family and ex would think you were a bad mother, here’s a newsflash: they already do!

Once you accept you are a bad mother it is no longer a weapon that can be used against you. When I was accused of being a bad mother, my response was: “I know, that is why I have a therapy fund for my children and not an education fund.” Argument over!

I want you to take stock of the relationship you have with yourself. When last did you do something just for yourself ? No children, no ex-husband, just you?

Start small, have a massage, mix yourself a Martini, sit on the floor (move the Lego) and listen to loud music. Then do something even bigger, send the children to your ex for an entire month and go on holiday by yourself. Have a staycation if you don’t have the resources. Just be unavailable to children and the ex.

You will miss them. You will not know what to do with yourself and you will realise just how much of yourself you are giving away – and it’s not just the nurturing. Figure out what chores the children can do when they get back or even if you want them back.

Explore your own body, your mind and maybe even start to exercise. Take care of you.

If you want your ex to understand what you have to deal with every day, make all the required appointmentswhen he has them. Doctor, dentist, ballet lesson, teacher conference. Last-minute projects, homework, lost rugby boot, daily grocery shopping and meal preparation. Birthday parties and gifts, haircuts, the morning get-out-of-bed fight, the school run, sports game. Bullying, broken heart, bones and cellphone bill. Discipline, comb your hair, brush your teeth. Sulking. Let them have it all. And if you are worrying about what they are going to say – to hell with them!

sharon@lolamontez.co.za