Penetrate the mind with love and you’ll win the fight

sex.

The most common is a condition called vaginismus, which is a condition that describes the locking of the vaginal muscles. The muscles lock so tightly that nothing can penetrate the vagina. If you force penetration there is a great deal of pain, which heightens the problem.

The vast majority of women who suffer vaginismus usually come from extremely conservative backgrounds both culturally and religiously. Some have been physically and/or emotionally abused. Most believe sex is dirty, sinful and painful.

To dispel these myths and beliefs requires months of work because you have to change belief structures that have manifested over many years.

In many cultures and religions masturbation is forbidden and considered sinful. Sex before marriage falls into the same category.

Add to this the stories about tearing, blood and painful virginity loss and you have the script for a horror movie.

Enter Prince Char ming, who now has to seduce you and penetrate.

I’m surprised any of us survive and actually have and enjoy sex.

I believe my body was given to me to treasure and pleasure and that sex is for both recreation and procreation. One would think, in the 21st century, that this would be a common belief structure but you would be very mistaken.

If you suffer from vaginismus, the road ahead requires an attitude shift. Your partner can support you on this journey but the work is yours.

You need to start changing your view about what sex is and how it can and should be pleasurable.

Educate yourself on sex, read articles, watch talks, speak to someone and get some help.

You will have to come to terms with your own body. This will require you to be alone and naked.

Start by having a good look at your genitals. Use a small mirror to help. Become acquainted with every single part, from the mons to the anus.

Check out both sets of labia, clitoris and the entrance to the vagina. Do not believe yourself when you think your vulva (the external parts of your genitals) is ugly or dirty. It is a lie! You have been told this untruth for many different reasons.

Take it slow. If you can only glance at her for a couple of seconds, do so and then next time, try for a bit longer.

Then touch all the parts. If you break out in a cold sweat take a break and try again later.

Repeat until you feel mostly comfortable.

Most women experience sexual pleasure and orgasm from exter nal stimulation rather than penetration.

So explore this pleasure first and when you are ready you can try to insert a finger.

Make sure you are well lubricated before you try this. If you are not, get yourself a good lubricant.

My favourites are from the Pjur range. Pjur Aqua is perfect for exploration. Apply it to your vulva and your fingers to make the process easier.

If it hurts, stop. It hurts because your muscles have locked and are not relaxed enough.

They have locked because your mind and all your preconceived notions have got in the way.

Try to relax and if necessary try again the next day. As you get more comfortable you can start using a dilator set. It is a dildo set that starts small and works its way up. Some women have to start with a dilator that is no bigger than an ear bud. If you cannot insert a tampon, this may be an early warning sign.

Doing this work is training and re-patter ning your body and your mind. It will take time. When you are comfortable with your body you can introduce it to your partner.

Your partner must follow the same guidelines, slowly but surely. If you are the partner and force penetration you will confirm everything your partner wrongfully believes about sex. You will take your sex life back to the beginning. As a partner and a sufferer you will require patience.

For more infor mation, e-mail sharon@lolamontez. co.za