How to fight the good fight

this and it made me feel… sad/ worthless/anxious/angry!”

You will have to practise this because it does not come naturally. We tend not to listen when arguing.

You are no doubt formulating a reply instead of hearing what the other person is saying. Listen to the words but also to the deeper non-verbal clues in what your partner is saying.

Listen to the wants and needs behind what they are saying. Chances are that the argument has been triggered by an old hurt that has never been resolved.

Listen to what is being said and don’t steamroll the conversation. Try not to interrupt your partner and try to see their point of view.

If you are unclear about something, reflect on what they have said by saying. “So you are saying that…” You’ll be shocked at how often you’ve got it wrong.

Try to avoid screaming at each other as it serves no purpose and makes you both angrier. Loudness equals powerlessness! It says, “I am not being heard so I have to shout!”

Don’t make threats or become physical by throwing or hitting things. If one of you gets out of control, it usually means that they are feeling cor nered or threatened.

Have some safeguards to ensure the argument doesn’t become overheated.

Walk away or take a “time out” to both go and reflect and calm down.

We have implemented safe words so when the argument is reaching a point of no-return one of us will call the safe word and the other has to shut up immediately! When you have become more rational, set a time to resolve the issue and clear the air. If you find it difficult to speak your mind or are being steamrollered, use this time to write down how you feel.

Recognise times when you are angry because your partner did something wrong or if you have just had a bad day and are taking it out on your dearest.

Men often feel the need to try to sort out your problems instead of listening and allowing you to let off steam.

Tell your partner you don’t want his help, but just someone to listen and be supportive. If they are incapable of listening, call a friend and tell them how you are feeling.

Don’t discuss your partner’s faults because the chances are you’ll make up but your phone friend will remember every word you said. Awkward!

Don’t remain silent when something is bothering you. Silence builds resentment and allows anger to fester and grow.

Discuss what is bothering you and sort out the problem. There is nothing more dangerous than the words, “Nothing, I’m fine”. You assume the other person should know what you’re thinking but they really don’t.

Don’t hold grudges or stay angry. When the argument is over, kiss and make up and move on.

Learn to compromise and forgive. Make-up sex is wonderful!

Apply all these tips and you may still have your sex life.

But if you can’t fight the good fight, get professional counselling or therapy to help you resolve your issues.

Contact us if you would like a referral to a professional.

DONT’S OF ARGUING Don’t be ashamed of you anger; Don’t call in the heavy artillery; Don’t air your dirty linen in public; Don’t paint yourself into a corner; Don’t use the turtle approach; Don’t keep a chip on your shoulder; Don’t use sex as a weapon.

DO’S Learn to say “I’m sorry”; Learn from past experiences; Learn to forgive and forget; Move on.