CLIFFORD MULENGA

Judas, you’re back after we last spoke to you in April. Let’s get people laughing! What have you got for us? Ha, ha, ha, everyone knows how crazy Patrick Tignyemb can be, especially when the team is under pressure. He would start calling players’ names and even swear at them. One name that he always called during our time at Bloemfontein Celtic was that of Hlompho Kekana. It didn’t matter where Hlompho was located on the field, if the opponents attacked us, Patrick would be shouting at Hlompho and one time it got so bad that they almost exchanged blows. I think we had just conceded a goal and Tignyemb was swearing at Hlompho who wasn’t anywhere near the action, ha, ha, ha. Patrick later apologised to his teammate and all was forgotten. Celtic is one of the teams I enjoyed my football at the most. Right. My good friend Bennet Chenene who likes a flashy lifestyle once sold me a jacket, back in 2010 I think, that looked good back then. He said the jacket was imported from Turkey. You won’t believe that, to this day, I’ve never worn that jacket because it makes me look like a Skhothane, ha, ha, ha. It has been hanging in my wardrobe all these years and he won’t be happy to hear this, ha, ha, ha. We also had a very funny character in Onyekachi Okonkwo at Mpumalanga Black Aces. He would always come to camp with a big stash of money and start bragging, “While most of you guys are struggling financially, the boss has already paid my win bonus for tomorrow’s game.” I would ask him, “How do you explain getting a win bonus for a game that hasn’t been played yet?” His response would be like, “Don’t worry, I’m the chairman of this club. Win or lose, I get a bonus just for being here,” ha, ha, ha, Tico used to make me laugh a lot. Ha, ha, ha. We also had Mbulelo Mabizela who was also a crazy character. One time we were What sort of memories do you have from national team level? I enjoyed myself more in the national team than at club level. Remember that most of us, like Joseph Makhanya, the late Lesley Manyathela and ‘Tso’ (Benedict Vilakazi) were not getting game-time at our clubs and the only time we were getting game-time was in the national team. You should understand that I played internationally before I turned pro, if I may put it that way. My first camp with the national U23 side was back in 2001 and we went to Argentina. When I came back, I signed for Bidvest Wits. I was the first black goalkeeper to sign for Wits – history for you. Sure. So we once went with Bafana Bafana to play in Iran, under Shakes Mashaba. He selected the guys from the national U23 team that he thought would go to the senior national team – it was Thobela Bikwani, Makhanya and I. We were still young and restless. I could not swim to save my life. The hotel had a swimming pool and I decided to go there just to watch the guys having a splash, but little did I know that there were people coming from behind me. Within second I’m being pushed into the swimming pool. The culprits must have thought I could swim. But what ensued was me fighting for my life under the water, until one Nkosinathi Nhleko realised the seriousness of it all and came to my rescue. Bra Shakes enjoyed hearing about that one from the lads! He told me, “You, coming from Virginia, in the farms, thought you could swim!” Ha, ha, ha. This other time, we went with the national U23 side to play in Malawi and our coach was Conti Kubheka. There was this other guy, the late Vumile Dladla, who used to play for Golden Arrows. We were busy with the team talk, a serious one at that since we had to win the game to qualify for the All Africa Games. I’m sitting next to Dladla as the coach is addressing the players and very soon I discover that the guy is sleeping. Upon the realisation, the coach lashed out at him, “Vumile, ulele mfethu espanini, zikhiphani la (you’re sleeping at work brother, what’s happening here)? Let me call Sis Mato and tell her this boy is sleeping on duty...” Ha, ha, ha. Crazy stuff! Another thing is that the coach was a smoker. On one occasion, we went to play Angola in Luanda and the stadium was packed to the rafters. That’s the same game where Manyathela scored a bicycle kick that would later be nominated for Goal of the Year. During halftime, we were expecting the coach to give us instructions; alas, the man did not having dinner at 19h00 in camp,camp so everyevery one was expected to be seated about 10 minutes before dinner so that we could pray and all that. OJ was nowhere to be seen as we were about to pray. So one of the young players went looking for him and they arrived a few minutes after 19h00. Just as we were enjoying our dinner, two ladies come to our table to say there’s water coming out of room number what-what, which turned out to be Mabizela’s room. The man had left the bath tap running, so the ladies told him he had to clean up the mess. Ha, ha, ha, they clearly didn’t know Old John well enough to even suggest that. The utter a wordwor andan keptept puffingpung away instead! nstea We were like, “What’s happening here?” He was standing some distance from us and minding his own business until we went back to the field. That was funny. Ha, ha... We then went to take part in the U21 Toulon Tournament in France. We were still under Bra Shakes and the goalkeeper coach was Cyprian ‘Mahala’ Maimane. Vilakazi, Makhanya, Andile Cele and I arrived late as Wits had been playing Orlando Pirates. Because of that, we didn’t play the first game, where we were up against Germany. We drew 1-1, with Jason Barnard between the sticks. After the game, Bra Shakes came to me and said, “Hey boy, mfana wa lekgoa wa re qeda nou (the white boy is killing us),” in reference to Barnard. He said I would be playing in the next game, which was against China. The small-eyed fellows beat us guy can be so arrogant,arrogant at times,times and he just looked at them and, calmly, said, “Ok, if I mop up, what will be your job? What are they paying you for?” Ha, ha, ha, we just couldn’t believe the man’s nerve! Damn! Let me tell you about coach Gavin Hunt at SuperSport United – what a character, man! Crazy and funny coach who can get the best out of you in so many ways. When we were playing the 2012 MTN8 final against Moroka Swallows (Swallows won 2-1), a lot of players were angry at coach Gavin. He didn’t announce the match-day squad a day before the game, like he used to do. We also didn’t go to camp for home or local games, as we’d just meet at the hotel and then travel to the stadium. This Saturday morning, every SuperSport player rocked up at the hotel, hoping that they’re in the squad for the final. We all get summoned into the conference room, Gavin walks in and sees all the players sitting and waiting for the big announcement. We had a lot of bigname players in the team and some of them were not in the team that day, as we’d later find out. Gavin knew that there would be a lot of unhappy faces after his announcement, so he quickly figured a way out of the sticky situation. How? He just took the team sheet and gave it to the team manager, ha, ha, ha, and disappeared into thin air before the manager could read out the 18-man squad. Can you imagine the tough job the team manager had to do? Gavin just told him we’d meet him at the stadium and that was the last time we saw him before the game, ha, ha, ha. When the team was finally read out, there were so many long faces, but they couldn’t shoot the messenger, so to speak. People were not happy at all and Gavin was already on his way to the stadium, while the team manager had to put out a fire he didn’t start. Ha, ha, ha, eish, that was funny, man, and it showed just how quickly Gavin’s mind works. He didn’t even bother to explain anything the next training session, as it was life as usual, as if nothing had happened. Ha, ha, ha. Ok, enough about other people… let me tell you about myself because I’ve also been on the very naughty side of life. I dated this beautiful lady who later became my ex-wife. One time she caught me cheating on her and ran to the tabloids with the story. Eish, my man, we are in camp chilling in the dining hall, on a Sunday, after our pre-match meal and I was in the starting line-up. I had been working so hard for my place in the team. While chilling, we see coach Gavin walking into the dining room and we went quiet a bit. He walks straight to the table I was sitting on and he takes one look at me and then shakes his head in obvious disappointment. Everyone was just looking at the coach, who kept quiet ungumfana wase kasi Nickname: Judas

Car: BMW

Boots: Puma

Marital status: Single

Favourite TV programme: Big Bang Theory

Favourite food: Pap and chicken, anytime.

Facebook or Twitter: Neither

Siyagobhoza or interviews: Interviews

Favourite celebrity: Thuli Thabethe (Beauty Ngwenya on Isibaya)

Day or night games: Day. Defenders hate the heat, ha, ha, ha. all this time. I’m thinking to myself, “What’s going on here?” Just as I was still trying to figure out what was going on, the coach puts a newspaper right in front of me. Eish, my man, I had made the front page with a headline along the lines of “Cheating scandal”. Eish, my man, I was dropped from the starting line-up and had to watch the game from the bench. The guys never stopped laughing about it, hey, especially the part where my lady accused me of giving her a STI (sexually transmitted infection). The guys were like, “Oh, now we see why you’ve been scoring goals, it is the STI working in your system.” Ha, ha, ha, I was like, “How stupid can these guys be to even think of that?” Ha, ha, ha, footballer, man! Eish! Let me also tell you about coach Clinton Larsen, who was unbelievable at Celtic. He hated to see players driving into training playing loud music and made sure that everyone knew about it. He would warn us that we’re busy playing loud music and we won’t even notice when our tyres got punctured and driving on a rim. I was one of the culprits. Judas, let’s leave it there. Thanks for the funny memories. Anytime, my brother. By Vuyani Joni Best player I’ve ever faced: Meshack Tsotetsi

Best player I’ve played with: Lawrence Masegela & Lemmy Masilo

Biggest pay cheque: R45 000

Smallest pay cheque: R3 500

Favourite current player: Thela Ngobeni

Current occupation: Young Zebras (ABC Motsepe League) head coach

Former teams: Bidvest Wits, African Warriors, SuperSport United, Orlando Pirates, Dedebit FC (Ethiopia), Black Leopards