Still In Touch With... UTHONGATHI FC’S BRIAN MPOYANA

Bruno, compliments of the New Year brother. How was the Christmas break?

Thanks so much, Grootman (big man), compliments to you too. I had a good one and hope you also enjoyed it.

We certainly did. We welcome you to this platform with only one thing in mind: making our readers laugh and forget about post-festive stress.

Ha, ha, ha, no worries. I think I have enough stories for your readers, so they should be happy. Let me start with this one… I remember my time in Vietnam, where I went for assessment in 2017. I was scheduled to spend two weeks on trial and if I didn’t impress, I was going back home. However, within four days, I was already in the process of signing a two-year contract. In fact, I signed two days before the team’s payday. To my surprise, come payday, I received a full month’s salary and it was the last thing I had expected, ha, ha, ha. I mean, I had just joined the team, so there was no way I would’ve expected to be paid anything, let alone a full month’s salary!

What a wonderful surprise!

Exactly! So, I then decided to just spoil myself with some shopping spree, ha, ha, ha. Clothing retailers that side don’t normally put on price tags on items. You have to ask them how much an item costs. After realising that was the case, I asked one of their guys. I had no clue that speaking English meant you’re a foreigner and therefore rich, until later. What they do is increase the price because they believe you have more than enough money in your account, ha, ha, ha. That didn’t stop me from spoiling myself and I left the shop smiling. The next day, I put on these brand-new sneakers to the team lunch. You won’t believe what happened, ha, ha, ha.

The suspense is killing us already – out with it ha, ha, ha.

One of my teammates asked where I bought them and it turned out he had also seen them from the very same retailer. So, he wanted to get them for himself and asked how much did they cost? I told him the price. Long story short, all the items I ha db ough tatt hat store were priced triple their original price because I couldn’t converse with them in their language, ha, ha, ha. I was the laughing stock during that lunch because I was ripped off! Luckily, some of my teammates said we would go back to that store with all the items I had bought and they would sort everything out. When we got to the shop, the guys spoke on my behalf and I was refunded something close to R17 000, can you believe it? Ha, ha, ha, I learnt the hard way, but I was so grateful to my teammates because they really came through for me. I bought myself an iPhone 6 with that refund, ha, ha, ha. The team started giving me free Vietnamese classes to learn the language and know the basics, like, “Bao nhiêu?”, which means, “How much?”

Ha, ha, ha, incredible stuff! Good thing your teammates had your back, otherwise you’d not have known anything about the pricing.

That’s true, bro. Let me tell you about my time at African Stars. We had four games to go before finishing the season. So, the managea ment made promise to us. “Finish the season on top of the log by winning the remaining games and you will each get R10 000 bonus. ”W e were all so excited and went on to do just that, winning the games and finishing on top of the log standings. We accomplished our end of the bargain. We started preparing for the play-offs, while still waiting for the bonuses. Every day, the guys would be complaining about the team’s failure to honour their promise because the money had not been paid. I got tired of their moaning and decided to come up with a plan.

Mhhhh…

Ha, ha, ha, I copied and manipulated the Capitec deposit notification text and put R10 000 payment. I then took all the players’ phone numbers from the team’s WhatsApp group and sent them that edited message, individually, as if it was coming from the bank, ha, ha, ha. Some of them were relaxing i nt he TV room, while I was relaxing in my room when I pressed the ‘send’ button. So when they received the messages, I heard loud screams of excitement, ha, ha, ha. “Ingenile (It’s in)!” could be heard from a mile away as the guys were jumping for joy. It was so funny and I couldn’t stop laughing. The guy I was sharing the room with (Lucious Ndou) ran to our room and found me looking all innocent as if I knew nothing about what was happening. He told me, “Ingenile!” as he started changing his clothes into a smart attire. He told me he was going out and asked that I please request Uber for him, he would refund me upon his return. Honestly, the way he was so excited, I just couldn’t hold the joke any longer, ha, ha, ha. I had to tell him the truth and the disappointment on his face was unbelievable. He went on to tell everyone that it was all ‘fake news’ ha, ha, ha. I felt so sorry for all of them because they were so disappointed, as they were looking forward to going out.

Naughty you, ha, ha, ha.

I have one more story for you guys before I rush to training. Our clubhouse used to be a museum and a snake park, before it was revamped into a clubhouse. A lot of us struggled to sleep peacefully and believed the house was haunted, ha, ha, ha. To keep the narrative going, I convinced Ndou to join me in putting calamine on our faces and wrap ourselves in white sheets at night. Around midnight, we went into this one teammate’s room because we knew he never locked the door. I got there and whispered something into his ear, while he was deep in sleep. The way he screamed, cursing and punching in the air was unbelievable, ha, ha, ha. Remember,

it was dark and all he could really see was the white face and the sheets. We quickly ran back to our room, washed the faces and slept. In the morning, we get to training and this guy is carrying his bags, saying he is going home because he’s had enough, ha, ha, ha.

What?

It was hectic! The guy was so traumatised he could hardly speak properly. The coaches were standing there, not knowing what was going on. The man just told them he is going to Lesotho and they must cleanse him after what he saw the previous night, ha, ha, ha. They guys told him it was not a ghost but me playing a trick on him. The man was adamant, “That wasn’t Bruno! I know what I saw!” I had to come clean and confess in front of everyone and the coaches were not impressed with me at all. They sent me to a disciplinary hearing, but the Chairman laughed that story off, reminded them of the ‘Capitec’ incident and told them they all know I like fooling around. This was a key player in the team, which is why the coach wasn’t happy, and we were preparing for play-offs. Can you believe, to this day, that guy doesn’t believe it was me and says he saw a ghost, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, remarkable stuff! Thanks for your time, bro. Please don’t be late for training, but most importantly, don’t be late for our Part 2 appointment.

Ha, ha, ha, for sure grootman.